Judgment Day | TSLN.com

Judgment Day

An ag teacher who teaches at an inner-city school is attempting to put together a livestock judging team and he recently asked me to help him evaluate the city kids by listening to them give a set of reasons. Normally I would say “no” because I have a fear of teenagers and I feel it’s the job of the parents and the police to raise them. I do feel qualified to help, however, because I judged on an FFA team and judged three years on my collegiate team. Mind you, I didn’t say I was any good. I was a terrible judge which is one reason why my judging career at county fairs lasted exactly one show. But I could give a decent set of reasons, which was fortunate because when you judged livestock as bad as I did there were many opportunities to justify your placings.

For those of you who’ve never judged on a livestock judging team, a contest is composed of several classes with four animals of similar species and kind which are placed in order of merit by experts. Then the kids have to try and place them in correct order and give reasons on some of the classes to justify their placings.

After I listened to four of the youngsters give their reasons the ag teacher asked me what I thought and I proceeded to give the order in which I placed them.

Sir, I place this class of kids 4-3-2-1 with an easy top, a tight middle pair and an easy bottom. I placed the youngster dressed in an all-goth outfit, who I think was a girl, at the top of the class because she was the only one who knew they were Angus and that they were bulls. Instead of giving reasons from memory like you are supposed to do she read from a lengthy manuscript. And because she was a vegan, and thought comparing the animals was immoral and judgmental, she recited a poem she’d written about soybeans being the key to world peace. I criticized her “poem” for not having any words that rhymed, but commended her for trying. She also told me that having all bulls in the class was sexist. I had to cut her off after 15 minutes. Although I don’t think this young lady has a career ahead of her in judging livestock professionally, she could do very well as the President for the National Organization for Women.

I placed the young slacker teenager in second place although he referred to me as “dude” no less than 37 times. I found it disconcerting that the young juvenile delinquent was covered in tattoos, listened to his iPod the entire time he was giving his reasons, and his board shorts were ready to fall off at any minute. He referenced several terror movies and said the number three bull was, I believe, “kickin.” He called the scrawniest bull “phat” and his “two dangly things between his legs were rad.” He used more automotive terms than livestock ones, referring to the bulls “gearbox” several times. I think his time would be better spent on the ag mechanics team.

I put the “valley girl” in third place because it pained me to look at all her body piercings. Especially the big silver globe in the middle of her tongue that bounced up and down like a basketball when she talked. I criticized her for placing the class backwards, for chewing gum throughout her reasons, for using the terms “awesome” and “glam” excessively, and for taking a call on her cell phone while she was giving reasons. The number 2 bull was her fave because “he looked like he had big steaks, a fluffy tail, and soft leather.” She also observed that the bull kicked really good but placed him down when he went to the bathroom right in front of her. G-R-O-S-S!

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Finally, I rolled the arrogant kid with the expensive sunglasses on top of his head to the bottom because he tried to text the goth girl to get her reasons. He acted like he knew more than I did, which was quite possible, but I did not appreciate it when he tried to bribe me for a better score. Come on dude, just 20 bucks? Surely I’m worth more than that! I predict this kid has an awesome future as a lobbyist or a politician, but as a livestock judge? No way, bro.

An ag teacher who teaches at an inner-city school is attempting to put together a livestock judging team and he recently asked me to help him evaluate the city kids by listening to them give a set of reasons. Normally I would say “no” because I have a fear of teenagers and I feel it’s the job of the parents and the police to raise them. I do feel qualified to help, however, because I judged on an FFA team and judged three years on my collegiate team. Mind you, I didn’t say I was any good. I was a terrible judge which is one reason why my judging career at county fairs lasted exactly one show. But I could give a decent set of reasons, which was fortunate because when you judged livestock as bad as I did there were many opportunities to justify your placings.

For those of you who’ve never judged on a livestock judging team, a contest is composed of several classes with four animals of similar species and kind which are placed in order of merit by experts. Then the kids have to try and place them in correct order and give reasons on some of the classes to justify their placings.

After I listened to four of the youngsters give their reasons the ag teacher asked me what I thought and I proceeded to give the order in which I placed them.

Sir, I place this class of kids 4-3-2-1 with an easy top, a tight middle pair and an easy bottom. I placed the youngster dressed in an all-goth outfit, who I think was a girl, at the top of the class because she was the only one who knew they were Angus and that they were bulls. Instead of giving reasons from memory like you are supposed to do she read from a lengthy manuscript. And because she was a vegan, and thought comparing the animals was immoral and judgmental, she recited a poem she’d written about soybeans being the key to world peace. I criticized her “poem” for not having any words that rhymed, but commended her for trying. She also told me that having all bulls in the class was sexist. I had to cut her off after 15 minutes. Although I don’t think this young lady has a career ahead of her in judging livestock professionally, she could do very well as the President for the National Organization for Women.

I placed the young slacker teenager in second place although he referred to me as “dude” no less than 37 times. I found it disconcerting that the young juvenile delinquent was covered in tattoos, listened to his iPod the entire time he was giving his reasons, and his board shorts were ready to fall off at any minute. He referenced several terror movies and said the number three bull was, I believe, “kickin.” He called the scrawniest bull “phat” and his “two dangly things between his legs were rad.” He used more automotive terms than livestock ones, referring to the bulls “gearbox” several times. I think his time would be better spent on the ag mechanics team.

I put the “valley girl” in third place because it pained me to look at all her body piercings. Especially the big silver globe in the middle of her tongue that bounced up and down like a basketball when she talked. I criticized her for placing the class backwards, for chewing gum throughout her reasons, for using the terms “awesome” and “glam” excessively, and for taking a call on her cell phone while she was giving reasons. The number 2 bull was her fave because “he looked like he had big steaks, a fluffy tail, and soft leather.” She also observed that the bull kicked really good but placed him down when he went to the bathroom right in front of her. G-R-O-S-S!

Finally, I rolled the arrogant kid with the expensive sunglasses on top of his head to the bottom because he tried to text the goth girl to get her reasons. He acted like he knew more than I did, which was quite possible, but I did not appreciate it when he tried to bribe me for a better score. Come on dude, just 20 bucks? Surely I’m worth more than that! I predict this kid has an awesome future as a lobbyist or a politician, but as a livestock judge? No way, bro.

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