Lee Pitts: Common scents (Best Of) | TSLN.com

Lee Pitts: Common scents (Best Of)

These advertisements for dog deodorant, mouthwash and doggie toothpaste are just one more sign of the decay in this country. I even saw an infomercial for breath mints for dogs with bad breath, which is pretty much every dog I’ve ever met. Some day we are going to pay for messing with the good “scents” God gave us.

It is a known fact that animals and humans tend to mate with other animals that smell just like them. That is why eagles and vultures, sheepherders and cowboys and Saint Bernards and Dachshunds don’t interbreed. All right, there may be other circumstances, but I think you catch my drift.

Until now, the big difference between man and animal was that the animals didn’t have quite the selection in personal hygiene products that were available to humans. But that is changing. Women can splash on Liz Taylor’s perfume and immediately smell like Liz used to and be totally irresistible to divorce lawyers. Men can dab on a little Michael Jordan and immediately improve their jump shot, and now celebrity animals are beginning to merchandise their own unique smells.

I don’t know if it’s still on the market, but there was an “eau de toilette” for horses. At least I think it’s for horses. At $75 dollars a bottle it may be for rich people who want to smell like a horse. After all, how many horses can afford $75? A limited number, I’d think.

There’s also a horsey cologne that is called “Brandy,” named after a New York City horse that has appeared in over 25 movies. According to the “inventor,” his product combines the fresh and fruity scents of peaches with just a hint of fresh apples. (Not horse apples.) The inventor mixed up several batches before he hit on one that made Brandy, and I quote, “perk his ears, flare his nostrils, and begin to breath rapidly.”

I hope that this does not start a trend of changing the way animals smell. I like the smell of horses just the way they are. The scent of a sweaty horse is one of the best two smells there is on earth. The other being the aroma of fresh cut alfalfa hay. Although the mixture of the two, horses and alfalfa, produces one of the most undesirable aromas there is.

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I can understand athletes and Frenchmen wearing artificial scents because they need it. But do animals? Smells are what keep animals from invading each other’s territory. Steers won’t load easily in a livestock truck that has hauled hogs and I once saw a set of cows refuse to enter an auction ring after a billy goat had preceded them. That’s why cowboys and sheepherders won’t eat in the same cafe. Or ranchers and farmers. They just smell different.

Mother nature depends on smells to keep things straight. It’s why you have to smear petroleum jelly on a cow’s muzzle to graft a calf. Or drape a twin or triplet in the skinned hide of a dead lamb to get another ewe to accept it. When we raised sheep an old timer advised me to pee on fence posts every time I got the chance because the smell of humans would keep coyotes at bay. I did not test his theory because our fences were in terrible shape and I was afraid they’d fall down under any pressure.

Considering the price tag of some of this whiffy perfume, I’m thinking of coming up with a cowboy cologne of my own. I’d call it, “What’s That Smell?” Catchy, don’t you think? It would be for people who want to duplicate the smell of a cowboy and would resemble the smell of something that had been buried for days and then dug up. My cowboy cologne would combine the “scintillating” smells of decaying flesh, smelly socks and rotten eggs. That ought to make a cowgirl “perk her ears, flare her nostrils and start breathing real heavy.” (Either that or make her stop breathing.)

Coming soon to a feed store near you, my cowboy cologne will also be available in an attractive combination gift set that includes a sachet of cowboy bubble bath… a box of beans.

These advertisements for dog deodorant, mouthwash and doggie toothpaste are just one more sign of the decay in this country. I even saw an infomercial for breath mints for dogs with bad breath, which is pretty much every dog I’ve ever met. Some day we are going to pay for messing with the good “scents” God gave us.

It is a known fact that animals and humans tend to mate with other animals that smell just like them. That is why eagles and vultures, sheepherders and cowboys and Saint Bernards and Dachshunds don’t interbreed. All right, there may be other circumstances, but I think you catch my drift.

Until now, the big difference between man and animal was that the animals didn’t have quite the selection in personal hygiene products that were available to humans. But that is changing. Women can splash on Liz Taylor’s perfume and immediately smell like Liz used to and be totally irresistible to divorce lawyers. Men can dab on a little Michael Jordan and immediately improve their jump shot, and now celebrity animals are beginning to merchandise their own unique smells.

I don’t know if it’s still on the market, but there was an “eau de toilette” for horses. At least I think it’s for horses. At $75 dollars a bottle it may be for rich people who want to smell like a horse. After all, how many horses can afford $75? A limited number, I’d think.

There’s also a horsey cologne that is called “Brandy,” named after a New York City horse that has appeared in over 25 movies. According to the “inventor,” his product combines the fresh and fruity scents of peaches with just a hint of fresh apples. (Not horse apples.) The inventor mixed up several batches before he hit on one that made Brandy, and I quote, “perk his ears, flare his nostrils, and begin to breath rapidly.”

I hope that this does not start a trend of changing the way animals smell. I like the smell of horses just the way they are. The scent of a sweaty horse is one of the best two smells there is on earth. The other being the aroma of fresh cut alfalfa hay. Although the mixture of the two, horses and alfalfa, produces one of the most undesirable aromas there is.

I can understand athletes and Frenchmen wearing artificial scents because they need it. But do animals? Smells are what keep animals from invading each other’s territory. Steers won’t load easily in a livestock truck that has hauled hogs and I once saw a set of cows refuse to enter an auction ring after a billy goat had preceded them. That’s why cowboys and sheepherders won’t eat in the same cafe. Or ranchers and farmers. They just smell different.

Mother nature depends on smells to keep things straight. It’s why you have to smear petroleum jelly on a cow’s muzzle to graft a calf. Or drape a twin or triplet in the skinned hide of a dead lamb to get another ewe to accept it. When we raised sheep an old timer advised me to pee on fence posts every time I got the chance because the smell of humans would keep coyotes at bay. I did not test his theory because our fences were in terrible shape and I was afraid they’d fall down under any pressure.

Considering the price tag of some of this whiffy perfume, I’m thinking of coming up with a cowboy cologne of my own. I’d call it, “What’s That Smell?” Catchy, don’t you think? It would be for people who want to duplicate the smell of a cowboy and would resemble the smell of something that had been buried for days and then dug up. My cowboy cologne would combine the “scintillating” smells of decaying flesh, smelly socks and rotten eggs. That ought to make a cowgirl “perk her ears, flare her nostrils and start breathing real heavy.” (Either that or make her stop breathing.)

Coming soon to a feed store near you, my cowboy cologne will also be available in an attractive combination gift set that includes a sachet of cowboy bubble bath… a box of beans.

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