May 9, 2017
(The following excerpts are from the Oklahoma Livestock Committee meeting on Species Relations. Voting members include beef cows, feedlot steers and dairy cows.)
"Will the secretary please read the state demographer's report?"
"Yes, Madam Cowperson. For the first time in the history of the state, the human population will surpass the number of livestock."
"You mean the era of ruminant dominance is over!"
"Yes! We who have cut the trails and settled this country are now relegated to minority status!"
"DAYMILL THOON PEE MOOFINK…'
"Angus will you please swallow your cud so we can understand you."
"Gulp. They will soon be moving us from our pastures. They will force us from the open plains and high mountain valleys! They will pave our homesteads and cover the grass with Verizon stores!"
"That's true, sniff. Humans have an odd perception of what is beautiful. Asphalt strips, concrete barns, burning rubber, landfills…they foul their own nest. It is amazing that their species survives."
"Yer honorable Cowperson, I think we are over-reacting. In spite of their numbers, they seem fairly disorganized. I've spent a lifetime looking over the fence. Their roads go in all directions. Their cars go back and forth all day. Where do they go? Why are they going? It's a wonder any of 'em finds water."
"Good point. They are a species not unlike the chewing louse. They produce nothing but more of themselves. They keep busy doin' each other's laundry and mooching off us and the trees."
"But is it not true that we are now a minority? Think about it! They will have to afford us special status! Stairs will have to accommodate quadrupeds! Public transportation will require special seating with mangers and dung channels!
Twelve week lambing leave! A national holiday and affirmative action proviso including a token cow on every county board of commissioners! Lucrative government contracts garnered by any applicant with a bovine surname!"
"Yea, verily! We will march in the streets! We will cleanse the language of offensive expressions such as 'That's no bull! Over the calf socks! Going in hock! Udderly ridiculous!' and that particularly odious defamation 'Horny!"
"Madame Cowperson, I move we demand a grant from the Dept. of Non-Human Resources to study our new rights!"
"Will the secretary please read the minutes?"
"Uh, I missed everything after ruminant dominance. It's hard to write with cloven hooves."