Lee Pitts: Hobble your lip
September 21, 2016
We're so full of ourselves.
There's no better sign that we are falling apart than the current state of the language in this country. We used to live in far simpler times where we said what we meant and meant what we said. We took a writing style that was colorful and interesting and have sterilized it to the point that a cowboy, cowpuncher or saddle stiff is now "a temporary member of the bovine management workforce."
No wonder we don't understand each other any more, we're not speaking the same language. We took words that were one syllable, funny and clear and made them saturnine, mulit-syllabic, imperspicuous and obfuscated. For example, here's how a cowboy might have talked 50 years ago and the PC carbon-based life form's version.
Cowboy: "He had more grease on him than on the tablecloth at the Ptomaine Sally's Greasy Spoon. He was born so ugly his mother had to breastfeed him with a slingshot. Flies wouldn't even land on him. He also suffered from Dunlap Disease… his belly done-lapped over his belt buckle."
Sterilized: "He was a differently-sized nutritional overachiever with a protruding liquid grain storage facility that caused women to have female sexual arousal disorder."
Cowboy: "The cowpoke was riding the chuck line."
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Sterilized: "The cow-person, or person of cow, was residentially challenged, vehicularly housed and in the resource extraction industry. He was a multi-slacker who had been long term unemployed who was non-retained, de-recruited, transitioned, involuntarily separated, and non-renewed. He suffered from a workforce correction and curtailed redundancies in the human resource area. As a result he was vocationally relocated as part of a vocational reassessment and workforce correction."
Cowboy: "It's so dry bushes are chasing dogs and cowboys are wearing Bermuda shorts."
Sterilized: "We are in a water deficit situation and oppressed members of the workforce and agrarian product care specialists are choosing a clothing optional lifestyle."
Cowboy: "She was more nervous than a one-bagger, dried up cow with a buck-toothed calf."
Sterilized: "She had personal dryness issues."
Cowboy: "The calves are trying to breed cows. Don't you think it's time we castrated them?"
Sterilized: "As per our integrated-age-management program it's time to perform gender reassignment surgery on the monogamously challenged pubescent bovine quadrupeds before they have gender identity issues."
Cowboy: "That old hussy is off her feed and is crazier than a rained-on rooster. I'd have a gun handy if I was you when you go to load up to take her to the slaughterhouse."
Sterilized: "Be very careful around that immunologically naive, calendar-challenged cow with no dental appliances when you try to load her up to take her to the processing facility. Due to gastric distress and irritable bowl syndrome she is in an altered state which could result in a negative patient/caregiver outcome. For your safety have a paramilitary assault weapon accessible."
Cowboy: "After a year of sleeping in a flea trap dugout all by his lonesome north of Winnemucca, burning cow chips for heat, the cowpoke sought the company of a soiled dove."
Sterilized: "Departing his physically defective dwelling unit with limited service lodging, burning bio-solids for warmth, he sought the companionship of a horizontally accessible, previously enjoyed companion who was a low cost provider of seductive services."
Cowboy: "All that brand-blotching rustler needs is a short cord and a long drop. Then you can put his worthless carcass in a trunk and bury him in the bone orchard."
Sterilized: "In the event that the guest worker has an unanticipated adverse reaction to hemp, the government will pay for his bio-containment apparatus and burial in the memory garden."