Lee Pitts: Mr. You-Know-Who
July 5, 2017
Pardon me but I'd like to use this column to take care of a little correspondence I'm behind on. My friend, who we'll call Mr. You-Know-Who, has a bevy of ranching brothers scattered from one end of the Great Basin through Utah and into Wyoming. I thoroughly enjoyed meeting a couple of You-Know-Who's brothers and I'd like to meet Tom in Wyoming because I've never met anyone from Wyoming I didn't like. They have such great people there and I don't know if it's the water they drink or because they're so spread out.
I know You-Know-Who's cowboy brothers read this column and they'll know who I'm referring to. Rather than using up a roll of stamps to send them this important message I'll just take care of it in one fell swoop without having to buy any stamps.
I think You-Know-Who is the only one of the family who doesn't ranch, although he sure looks good in the cowboy hat I gave him and he's got a Catahoula cross dog that certainly shows signs of being cowy. You-Know-Who is the most easy-going, even-tempered person I've ever met. I won't tell you exactly how old he is because that would be rude. I'll just say he's spent at least eight decades on this spinning orb we call home. Although he looks about 60.
Because Mr. You-Know-Who is so amicable and easy-going I was surprised when he told me he'd just got home from reading the riot act to his eye doctor. He said he'd given him a good dose of both barrels. It was so out of character of him, so I asked why. It seems after you reach a certain age in my state it becomes necessary to have a written statement from an eye doctor saying that you see good enough to drive at night. I guess they don't care if you can't see in the daytime. Maybe that's why they put all the braille on the steering wheels of cars and trucks.
You-Know-Who took the form to his eye doctor to get it signed but didn't take the time right then to read it. Luckily right before going to the Department of Motor Vehicles he looked at it and much to his horror the eye doctor had checked the box that said You-Know-Who could not see to drive at night!
My friend has perfect eyesight, does not wear glasses and, unlike me, can read the bottom line on the eye chart from 30 feet. I've worn glasses since I was 15 and the only way I got a driver's license was to memorize the eye chart. My horse Gentleman lost his patience with me many a time when I'd make him skid down a mountainside on a foggy morn to kick a cow off the mountain only to discover it was a stump.
Mr. You-Know-Who is an excellent driver, takes long road trips, drives a James Bond car and had just returned from a faraway adventure to Eureka, Nevada, for a big family reunion with his brothers. If you really want to get a taste of what an old fashioned cowboy and mining town in the west feels like I'd recommend Eureka highly. If you don't know where it is it's on the loneliest road in America about a 45 minute drive from Duckwater.
After You-Know-Who gave his eye doctor a good piece of his mind the Doctor said it was all a mistake and quickly signed off on the form. With it in hand You-Know-Who went to the DMV to wait the requisite hour in line. Finally, he walked up to the counter and handed a clerk all the paperwork. She looked over all the documents and You-Know-Who's driver's license and said, "It seems all is in order, however, if you could read your license it plainly states that it doesn't expire until next year!"
So, the message I'd like to send to You-Know-Who's brothers is if you want to see your brother in the future you're gonna have to come to him because the DMV is questioning whether he can see to drive during the daylight, let alone at night.