Baxter Black: ET TU, UTERI!
Many country veterinary practitioners have invested money in their clinics for facilities to handle cattle and horses. It is for the convenience of the vet but also for the restraint and treatment of the patient. However, there were those clients that assumed it was so the vet could charge them for an office call. Dr. Blaine took an after-hours call from a 3rd generation cattlewoman in the rolling foothills of western Alberta.
“We’ve got a prolapse and need you to come to the ranch straight away,” she said.
“I’ve got this clinic here, eh?” he offered.
“Nay, it’s too far, she’s too big and she’s down!”
An hour later Doc pulled into the pasture where the cow lay. Due to the mud, slush and frozen snow he was only able to get within 30 meters of the 1500-pound Simmental cross. He positioned his vehicle so that he would have some light on the area.
The cow lay on a sloping hillock with her head to the upside. The prolapse, which he named Polly, as in, “Let’s get Polly back in there!” was proportional to the size of her cow. That is to say, it was comparable to a four-foot-long, 50-pound breakfast burrito!
In spite of their efforts to manhandle the cow to face downhill so gravity was on their side, they were unable. The rancher brought a Polaris ATV from the barn. Using a rope, they successfully moved the cow into the desired position. Doc knew better than to tie the rope to his vet truck. It was already missing one side mirror and the passenger door didn’t close properly from the previous cow encounter. They tied it to the Polaris and snugged it.
At that moment the cow rose up and stood. She appeared to be in a trance. Quickly taking advantage, Doc smoothly injected an epidural. With the rancher’s help they inverted Polly in a matter of minutes. As soon as it plopped in, the cow had a miraculous recovery! She suddenly became aware of her situation, causing her to attempt an escape dragging the Polaris behind her. They looked like two elephantine ice skaters in a post partum ballet!
The cow finally tangled in the line and they managed to slow her down. At that point she turned her newfound fury on her tormentors, attacking the good doctor and turning the 4-wheeler into a 3-wheeler!
Doc was leaning up against his pickup trying to catch his breath while the unlady-like rancher turned the air blue with curses, lamentations, and threats of bovine felonies! “Why does this always happen to me?!” she moaned, “Why me?”
“I’ve got this clinic now, eh?” said Dr. Blaine.
“et tu, uteri!” Shakespeare (1598) F
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