Chill out

Lee Pitts

We join this meeting of the President’s cabinet which is already in session.

“The next item on the agenda,” said the President, “as all of you already know, is the most important subject of my administration: global warming. It is very important that we get our cap and trade program….

“Excuse me Mr. President,” said the Energy Czar, “but we have a little problem.”

“What’s the problem?” asked the President, irritated at the interruption. “Do you need more money? Do we need to bailout anyone?” asked the President eagerly.

“No, Mr. President. The problem on the global warming front is that it has turned into a cold front.”

“What are you talking about?” demanded the President.

“The earth,” said the Energy Czar, “appears to be cooling off, not warming up.”

“WHAT?! That ruins everything. I’ve based my entire Presidency on the premise of global warming and now you’re telling me IT’S NOT HAPPENING! But Al Gore said in his slideshow of a movie that the earth was getting WARMER. Yes, I specifically remember him saying it was getting hotter, not colder. Does Al know about this?”

“No one seems to be able to find him sir. He’s no longer a hot item. Probably because since his movie came out the earth has cooled three quarters of a degree.”

“Does this mean that Hollywood won’t be flooded with rising waters due to melting ice caps?” asked the President.

“Unfortunately, yes,” said the deflated Czar as disappointment filled the room.

“This ruins the entire paradigm of my Presidency. How can we kill off capitalism, make a religion out of environmentalism and save the world if the globe is cooling off? This simply can’t be. And would someone please turn up the heat in here? It’s freezing! Now, Mr. Energy Czar, what kind of proof do you have of this global cooling?”

“Actually, sir, the earth has been in a cooling trend for 11 years now according to global satellites that measure the mean average temperature of the earth. New York City had the coolest June since 1958, Phoenix had 15 days in June with temperatures below 100 degrees for the first time since 1913, and some areas in Mexico are getting snow for the first time in 100 years.”

“Who cares a pinata about Mexico!” screamed the President. “I’m worried about my reelection if this news break out. Does anybody else know?”

“So far just a few scientists, but no one listens to them. The media is still under your spell but at some point we may have a problem. It’s hard to convince voters that the globe is heating up when they’re standing in a snow bank.”

“Now what do we do?” asked the visibly shaken President.

“This creates a huge opportunity for us,” said the Propaganda Czar. “We simply tell the American public that your policies have been so effective that we have been able to change the entire weather pattern of the globe after just one year in office.”

“Brilliant, I like it. And then we can start combatting global cooling. We’ll have to change tactics of course. instead of “Clash for Clunkers” we’ll have the “Payola for Prius” program to get them off the road. The car companies I run will have to switch back to producing gas guzzlers and we’ll have to subsidize cow burps.”

“But shouldn’t we wait a little closer to the next election to release the good news about global warming?” asked the Propaganda Czar. “That will give our financial patrons time to unwind their windmill investments and it will help get you reelected.”

“Great idea. In the meantime not a word of this to anyone. And would somebody please find Al Gore and tell him to get it right this time. Get him working on another slide show about global cooling or we might both have to give back our Nobel prizes.”