December 26, 2008
Old timers thought you could tell a lot about a horse just by what color it was. They believed white horses had constitutional weaknesses as a result of inbreeding, bay horses were the meanest and chestnuts were the most easily injured. I wouldn’t dare make such glittering generalities about horses… but I would about the people who ride them. You see, I have the uncanny ability to tell what people are like and to predict their future just by the color of the horse they ride. For example:
Brown: If you ride a brown horse you are the no-nonsense, quiet type whose capacity for hard work is amazing. You are also a tightwad and very boring. As a rule, never travel the rodeo circuit with a cowboy who rides a brown horse; he won’t pay his way and will practically bore you to death. By the time you get to Phoenix you’ll be so depressed you’ll have a death wish and enter the bull riding instead of the team roping.
White: I will try to be gentle with my analysis here because riders of white horses are emotionally vulnerable and have thin skin. You are a good listener and depress easily so you should avoid any long term commitment with anyone who rides a brown horse. Although you and your horse are good swimmers you provide an easy target and attract bad karma like a white horse attracts lightning.
Palomino: Riders of golden horses tend to be wealthy and are more apt to be a member of a Sheriff’s posse and ride in parades. If you ride a palomino there’s a good chance you and your horse wouldn’t know a cow from a chicken pot pie and the only thing you or your horse are apt to catch is sleeping sickness. It is a little known fact that those people who ride palomino horses are more likely to show up on The World’s Biggest Loser. Do your horse a favor and enroll in a gym or fitness club today.
Bay: Bays are light red in color and red just happens to be the most frightening color of the spectrum. That ought to tell you something. You and your horse are cunning, alert, stable, and loyal, but can also be vicious. You are both sensitive around the head and ears. Just like your horse, you can be balky at times and like to kick up your heels on occasion. I foresee many solitary long walks in your future.
Gray: You are a slow, plodding unflashy person with a big collection of trophy saddles and buckles won at jackpot and USTRC ropings. You are an easy keeper, slow and steady, good with kids and as emotional as a refrigerator. Even though you often win the race, nobody bets on you because you have a poor marketing campaign. You excel as a spouse and a teacher, but the life of the party you are definitely NOT.
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Roans: Strawberry roan riders are cowboy poets and blue roan riders are usually running for, or away, from something. When you buy your next horse beware of roans because they are like beautiful women: more trouble than they’re worth.
Paints and Pintos: You are a show off who likes to be the center of attention. You own the best horse trailer in the parking lot and the silver on your bit, bridle, saddle and spurs would melt down for more than your horse is worth. You are not good with money and don’t keep a tight rein on your spending. Divorce and bankruptcy run in your family. Riders of paints and pintos are either top hands or complete doofuses. I won’t say which one you are.
Black: You have boundless energy, an explosive temper and fall in love blindly. You make hasty decisions which you later feel remorseful about: such as buying a black horse to ride in Tucson in the middle of July. More so than any other rider, you are more likely to be kicked by your horse and spend time in the hospital as a result of being launched so high that birds built nests in your beard before you hit the ground.
Sorrel: People who ride sorrels are original, intelligent, ambitious and have few, if any, faults. They are also easily offended and angry readers should not write nasty letters to them just because they happen to ride a paint, pinto, palomino or roan.
email lee pitts at firstname.lastname@example.org