ESA, Part Two | TSLN.com

ESA, Part Two

Federal Register: Whereas Congress and the federal government have used the Endangered Species Act to destroy countless lives and waste billions of dollars in an attempt to save handicapped salamanders, fairy shrimp, goby fish, pond turtles, worthless weeds, and biting insects, be it hereby known that henceforth the government shall put the same effort into saving endangered species of humans, such as native Californians. Even if they have to go to Oregon or Idaho to find some.

Preamble: A billion dollar ten year study by the Government Accounting Office has determined that noxious (and obnoxious) species of humans are endangering the life of indigenous species of people throughout the west. The primary recommendation of the GAO is that the federal government must take time out of their busy schedule managing car companies, and giving every domestic animal its own Social Security number, to address this serious issue. If they don’t there will not be any purebred prunies, Arkies, Okies or Cornhuskers left to die from global warming.

Article 1: Therefore, be it hereby known that we simply cannot continue to let invasive species spread their deleterious languages, currency and customs throughout the country, thereby polluting the native gene pool. Henceforth Canadians traveling to Palm Beach and Palm Springs during the winter will be stopped at the border. Texas team ropers will be stopped at the river when they try to sneak into Oklahoma for a roping, all drugstore cowboys from the east will be kept out of Las Vegas during Cowboy Christmas, and all illegals will be denied entry into California. If that state wants to continue to get federal funding it must put forth the same effort towards keeping illegal dishwashers and gardeners out of the state as they do fruit flies.

Article 2: Funding: Motels, restaurants, rental car companies and other business that serve the tourist trade must pay a 20% surcharge. The proceeds will be used to get rid of all introduced and invasive species of humans. Ted Turner will be sent back to Jane Fonda and all Californians will be given 24 hours to vacate Coeur d’ Alene, Idaho. If this hurts employees of the tourist industry, big deal. They can join the ex-loggers, ranchers and miners who were also put out of business by the feds.

Article 2, Section A: Despite the protestations of the greenies and PETA, it will be permissible to spray for invasive species of humans and all current residents not born in the Lone Star State will be trucked out of there in double decker cattle trucks. And even though the ACLU will throw a hissy fit, all non natives will be asked to go back to where they came from. (We realize this may create problems for the Indians because no one will be left to pull their slot machines.)

Article 2, Section A, Subsection One: Of course, as always, the politicians who passed this legislation shall be exempt. It would simply be too much to ask the politicians who have gotten used to the rich and culturally vibrant life in Washington DC to return to winters in Alaska or summers in Louisiana. The government will therefore buy up Virginia to be used as a reserve for non-endangered species like the sticky-fingered politician and the species known as the big butted bumbling bureaucrats.

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Article 2, Section B, Subsection Two, Paragraph 1: Employees of the Fish, Game and Humans Bureau will ride around in brand new pickups to make sure everything is being done to ensure the politician’s comfort. No child molesters, taxpayers or poor people will be allowed into the reserve for fear of upgrading the gene pool.

Article 2, Section B, Subsection Three, Paragraph whatever. Just as the government is turning loose crossbred wolves and spotted owls with questionable family lineage, exceptions for crossbred people will also be made based on their ability to contribute to political action committees.

Hey, it worked for the sucker fish, why not the suckers?