It’s not my fault (Best of)

Lee Pitts

Have you noticed how nothing is nobody’s fault any more. An accused mass murderer is not guilty because his daddy whipped him when he was a pup. Or his mother took away his teddy bear. If a politician gets caught with his pants down it’s not his fault… it’s the media’s fault for bringing it to the attention of his wife. Currently the art of excuse-making is being raised to new heights by husbands, Wall Street businessmen and politicians.

Naturally, there are occasions around the ranch and home when even you might need a good excuse that was written by a professional. Here are some of my favorite excuses that may come in handy for you someday. Just remember, if my excuse doesn’t work don’t blame me for the failure of your career, car or marriage (choose one). It was bound to fall apart sooner or later.

“I’m sorry officer, I know I was speeding but my tail lights don’t work and just to be safe I wanted to get home in a hurry before it gets dark. Safety first is my motto.”

“How was I supposed to know you were coming home early? It’s all your fault: you should have called.”

“Honey, I know I failed to feed the kids and the cows, and a few other minor jobs, but I had to take the week off to get my teeth cleaned.” Or, if you don’t like that one try this… “I know you told me to feed the kids good food while you were gone to your sisters but we ran out of Velveeta, Kool Aid and beer nuts.”

“Yes, I know he built her a new house, bought her a Mercedes and took her to Italy but it’s all your fault, not mine. She made a better marriage than you did.”

“Hi honey, I’m home. I know I’m late but the clock broke at the bar.”

“I know I didn’t get you that expensive bubble bath you wanted for your birthday. Have you tried eating chili beans and taking a bath? It works for me.”

“That darn calf must have just fell on the wrong branding iron.”

“Well, if those darn writers would write shorter stories maybe I wouldn’t spend all my time in there reading. So there!”

“I’m afraid sir that my wife must have left my deer tags in my other pants. Besides, how was I supposed to know the gun was loaded? There’s no warning label.”

“If you wouldn’t have been driving so fast in the first place my spit cup never would have fallen over.”

“I know I promised you that we’d be rich some day but how was I to know that my wealthy parents would live so long?”

“I’ll admit that if I hadn’t been drinking that maybe our new pickup would not have been stolen. But I did get the license plate number of our truck as the thieves drove away.”

“I didn’t want to wake you so I just stayed out till I knew you’d be awake. Wasn’t that thoughtful of me?” (This excuse is usually followed by the sound… KABOOM!)

“I had to order out because dinner wasn’t ready. I thought I heard you say 60 degrees at 450 minutes! It’s not my fault you gave bad directions.”

“I realize now that I should not have cut up my newest pair of Wranglers to make eye patches but they were the only clean pair. Maybe if you’d do the laundry a little more often we wouldn’t have these problems.” (Warning: If you use this one you’d better be ready to run fast or defend yourself!)

“I’ll agree that we don’t get much milk from that cow I bought at the auction but it’s not his fault.”

“I know I should have been there… but we’ll have other kids.” (Probably not.)