It’s the Pitts by Lee Pitts: ObamaCow
March 31, 2014
Dateline: A presidential press conference from the left wing of the White House.
President Obama: I am proud today to be joined by an unwed Holstein cow and an unemployed beef cow to announce the rollout of the Affordable Cow Act. After the Supreme Court ruled that the government can force people to buy things they don't want, and after ObamaCare was such a resounding success, I was shocked to find that there are 30 million beef cows and their children in this country who have no health insurance whatsoever! So today I take great pride in rolling out ObamaCow.
Reporter from Cattle Today: Have you exempted any rancher from having to buy health insurance for his or her cows?
Obama: Any Congressman who owns cattle will be exempt.
Progressive Cattleman: Let me get this right. So the people who voted for ObamaCow excluded themselves from it?
Obama: That's right. Also, ranchers who own over 300 cows will be exempt for one year to give them time to come up with a permanent loophole. Ranchers with fewer than 20 part-time or open cows will also be exempt from the employer mandate.
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Livestock Weekly: But won't that cause a glut of cows on the market from small operators selling off a few cows to get under the 20 head requirement?
Obama: That's ridiculous. I might add that Mexican steers coming across the border will continue to get their health care for free. That will not change. I promise.
New Mexico Stockman: What if ranchers refuse to buy insurance for their cows?
Obama: They must pay $95 per uninsured cow or risk being audited by the IRS.
Western Livestock Reporter: Will ranchers be able to keep their own vets?
Obama: Of course (wink, wink), although based on our experience with ObamaCare, many veterinarians may choose to leave their practice to become horseshoers and sheep shearers, and any vets who choose to stay in business will work only for cash and won't take any new cow patients that are over six years old.
Fence Post: ObamaCow covers cows but what about their offspring?
Obama: Calves will be able to stay on their mothers policy until they are 26.
Tri-State Livestock News: You do know that cattle don't live that long? Where do ranchers go to sign up their cows without coverage?
Obama: Go to our web site, ObamaCow.worsethanacolonoscopy.com on which we spent 31 billion dollars and 100 million man hours.
Wyoming Livestock Roundup: Mr. President, with all due respect, I just tried to go on your web site and after asking some very personal questions it crashed.
Obama: That would be George Bush's fault.
Livestock Market Digest: In 2009 you told ABC News that if Congress didn't pass ObamaCare our government would go bankrupt. Are you aware that we are 17 trillion dollars in debt? Aren't we technically already bankrupt and won't ObamaCow make it worse?
Obama: Who let you in here? I bet you are one of those Tea Party crackpots. Someone call security!
Gulf Coast Cattleman: What will ObamaCow cover and how much will it cost?
Obama: It will cover pinkeye and lump jaw but not elective surgeries such as a Caesarean section. For other procedures, such as castration or removing porcupine quills from the nose of a cow, you'll have to seek approval from what we jokingly call around here the "Death Squad." There will also be a slight backup due to all the veterinarians leaving the field, so if you want to preg check your cows two years from now I'd call Charley from Roto Rooter right now as he's already booked up one year in advance. As for how much ObamaCow will cost, I'd like to quote my proctologist who once said to me, "Easy now, this won't hurt one bit."