Lee Pitts: An all new U.S. | TSLN.com

Lee Pitts: An all new U.S.

It’s recorded in the history books that when Thomas Jefferson sent Lewis and Clark on their westward journey the cerebral President believed that the west was still inhabited by prehistoric animals. Unfortunately, some Congressmen still think that we in the former frontier are cavemen and still need their help to become civilized.

My point is that our country is vastly different today than it was then. For example, anyone who has watched Congress on C SPAN knows that we shouldn’t be called the United States of America. A more fitting name would be “The Rarely United States of America.”

Our national mascot is also wrong for the times we live in. Uncle Sam is sexist, racist with no tattoos or piercings being visually discernible. A more representative mascot would be Aunt Sam-antha who was previously a man, had a sex-change operation and is now a transvestite bi-sexual. Uncle Sam is also way too tall. The short people in this country take one look at him and immediately feel disadvantaged and victimized. We also need to name a Mother Of Our Country as we already have a father. Because we’re so celebrity-obsessed, likely candidates for the Mother of Our Country would be that gal Kate on television with eight kids, or the other one with 19. Or is it 25 by now? In the final analysis, though, the best representative as Mother of Our Country would be none other than the Octomom.

Benjamin Franklin believed that our National Bird should be a turkey, not the eagle. While I don’t agree with Ben about the turkey, I’ve often wondered what it says about us as a nation to have our bird representative be a follically-challenged carnivore that eats roadkill. Our bird should stand for something more and I propose that it should be the Spotted Owl. Such a choice is more in keeping with our society’s current beliefs about private property rights, jobs and the power of our government to destroy people’s lives.

Here’s a trivia question for you: What is our National Flower? I’ll admit that I didn’t know we had one, but it’s the rose. Now how do you think that makes the delicate and dainty daisy or the pleasant and perishable pansy feel? It’s simply wrong to single out a single flower like that. We should probably also do away with the National Tree, and if the Forest Service continues it’s “let-it-burn” philosophy, they’ll take care of that for us.

I cannot find anywhere that we have a National Dog and with our country’s citizens being so dog-crazy I propose that we get one. From the pound, of course. When you look at our leadership at every level of government I think our National Dog should be a German Shepherd. After all, they are often used to lead the blind.

According to my 1965 almanac our motto is, “In God We Trust,” which is appropriate because only a higher power can get us out of the mess were in. Considering our concern about the environment, global warming and the power of the Sierra Club, perhaps we should add a word, “In Green Gods We Trust.” Other mottos worthy of our consideration would be, “In The Printing Press We Trust,” or, “In Big Business We Trust.” The most accurate motto for our country would be “Made in China” because it’s already printed on everything anyway.

I think we can all agree that our national anthem is way too hard for most of us to remember, or to sing. It has been butchered by celebrities for years at ball games, so I suggest changing it to something simpler, like an anthem from my youth: Louie Louie. I think there are only two words in the whole song and everyone should be able to remember them.

We should change our national language to Spanglish, our day of Independence so it always falls on a three-day shopping weekend, and our nation’s capital from Washington, D.C. There are just too many criminals in that town. And I’m just talking about the Congressmen.

Finally, I’m proposing a new Pledge of Allegiance: “I pledge allegiance to the Internet and to Google, Facebook and Twitter for which it stands, one world, incorporated with broadband access, lap band surgery and medical insurance for all.”


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Lee Pitts

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