Lee Pitts: Anyone seen Al? | TSLN.com

Lee Pitts: Anyone seen Al?

Dear Al,

Long time no see. Where are you? I have some important news for you that might spoil your business plans. Al, I don’t know how to break this to you but you may want to sell all your carbon credits. And wherever you are, I heartily recommend that you put on your heavy jacket and mittens or you’ll catch your death of cold. I’ll stop beating around the bush and just tell you: Al, it’s NOT getting hotter like you said when you caused a bigger scare than the whole Y2K bust. It’s getting colder! Brrrrr!

You must be hiding from angry officials who demand that you give back your Academy Award, Emmy and Noble Peace Prize for getting everyone worked up over global warming with your slide show, An Inconvenient Truth. Al, this news may come at An Inconvenient Time for you but we could be on the verge of An Inconvenient Ice Age! I know we haven’t spoken lately but this is a planetary emergency and the greenies need their leader.

I haven’t seen you in awhile and when I saw you on the television recently it looks like you had the carbon footprint of a Boeing 747. Just a thought, Al, but maybe your body is blocking out the sun and causing global cooling! You might want to cut back on the cupcakes and triple whip cream latte frappacinos. Or whatever.

Recently I was surfing the Internet, you know, that thing you invented, and I came across this Web site: http://www.isthereglobalcooling.com. It gives hundreds of facts in support of global cooling. It seems like we may have all gotten worked up for nothing. For instance, did you know that our planet has been in a cool-down phase the past eleven years? Or, that last year the southern hemisphere experienced its coldest winter in 50 years? If you didn’t go skiing you may not have realized that the winter from October 2009 to March of 2010 was the snowiest on record in the northern hemisphere. And here’s the real bummer Al, temperatures in the U.S. cooled off in five of the last seven decades just as greenhouse gases were increasing. Ocean temps are decreasing, there is decreased sunspot activity and something called the Atlantic Multidecadal Oscillation has begun a 30-year cooling phase. An Inconvenient Truth could turn out to be An Inconvenient Lie! And about those polar bears you were so worried about: don’t lose any more sleep over them. The same people who counted the spotted owls must have “counted” the polar bears because the polar bear population is at an all time record size and has increased 300 percent since 1950.

Al, doesn’t it stand to reason that if we needed to reduce our carbon footprint to cool things off that we’ll need to enlarge it to heat things up? Shouldn’t we be burning more coal and give cash incentives to everyone who buys a Cadillac Escalade? Instead of cash for clunkers, shouldn’t we be paying people to get their Priuses and Smart Cars off the road? Al, I’m getting ready to go on a Carnival Caribbean Cruise for singles but I’m thinking of canceling for fear of hitting an iceberg.

I know that global warming was going to help those nasty farmers and ranchers produce more food, but scientists say that global cooling could produce worldwide famine. If that’s the case, and cow flatulence really did warm things up like you said, shouldn’t we all go on an all-beef diet and repopulate the wilderness with cows.

Al, I know your career is in a deep rut and another slide show could make possible a big comeback for you. And I know you understand cold because it got absolutely frigid in the Gore household prior to the divorce. And just think of all the money you could make on another crises. And we both know you’re going to need the money.


Your ex-wife, Tipper.


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