Lee Pitts: Changes
May 9, 2014
"This is CCNN, the Climate Change News Network. And now with the evening news her is anchorwoman Misty Rain."
"For our lead story this evening we'll be going to two American cities in transition to illustrate the murderous potential of climate change. First we'll go to our reporter, Thermal Gusts, who is in Tucson, Ariz."
"The streets of this southwestern city are quiet and empty tonight as its citizens ponder a fearful fate. Today it was 75 degrees in Tucson, three degrees hotter than yesterday. You don't have to be a math wizard to see that at this rate if the temperature goes up three degrees every day in just 30 days the temperature will be 165 degrees, which is hot even for Tucson. Talk about your weapons of math destruction! This will be the end of civilization as we know it and residents here are hunkered down, making sure their air conditioners work and that they don't. Now to my colleague, Chilly "The Iceman" Shivers who is also braving the elements tonight."
"You're exactly right Thermal, the situation is just as dire here in Rochester, N.Y., where it was 66 degrees today, 4 degrees cooler than yesterday. If this trend continues in a month from now people will be burning their furniture for heat, begging cows to belch and pass more greenhouse gas, and trading in their Prius cars for Ford F350's. Polar bears will prowl the city's mean streets, you'll be able to walk on ice to Greenland from the Big Apple, and snowbirds to Florida will have to defrost any oranges they pick before eating them. Speaking of Florida… we interrupt this broadcast with a breaking story. "WARNING! In view of the changing weather anyone traveling to the Florida Keys should carry snow chains and long underwear."
"Now we resume our regularly scheduled broadcast where "Changeup" Charley Chow has all the changing news in sports."
"In the NBA the Miami Heat continue on a hot streak and the Oklahoma Thunder are making lots of noise. The burning question on everyone's mind is if the Phoenix Suns are for real. Now, over to the sultry Wanda Washout for today's financial news."
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"Former Vice President Al Gore went on a book tour to promote his new book "An Inconvenient Correction" which warns of a coming man-made ice age. He also has a real good deal on millions of unused carbon credits if you're interested. In the stock market Frigidaire® has gone cold while stocks in wood chips are on fire. The Dow and NASDAQ fell like a Maine thermometer as President Obama took his family for an extended Hawaii vacation because things were getting too hot for him in Washington D.C. Before he left he told his staff to no longer refer to global warming but to use the words "climate change" instead. "That way we're covered either way," the President said. He also drew a line in the sand of an Oahu beach and said if the temperature dropped below that "there would be repercussions and a high price to pay."
"Now it's time for Frosty Foghorn and the WETHER Report."
"Well folks, that's the worst spell of WEATHER we've ever had at CCNN. And there's more on the way. Looking at our seven day forecast we predict that it will be dark at night and scattered lightness in the early morning hours. The forecast is for extreme weather and there could be rain, drouth, hail, dust devils, cyclones, blizzards, east winds, west winds, blazing heat, snow and windy conditions depending on where you live. That's the weather folks and now back to Misty Rain."
"Thanks Frosty for that terrifying report. And so we bid you good evening from CCNN, the Climate Change News Network, where the forecast is always for change. The only thing that will not change is our commitment to you to scare everyone into thinking the weather is somehow different than it has always been.