Lee Pitts: Christmas greetings | TSLN.com

Lee Pitts: Christmas greetings

I’m one of those people who said I’d never forgo the sending of traditional cards and instead send one of those form Christmas letters that we all get bragging about the exploits of the sender’s family. But have you seen the cost of a box of Hallmark Christmas cards lately? Couple that with the embarrassing problem of taking someone off your Christmas card list that you’ve mailed to for 30 years with no reply, only to receive a Christmas card from them the day before Christmas, which doesn’t allow you anytime to reciprocate in kind, well, I decided this year to have my wife write and send an e-mail Christmas letter to everyone this year.

In having my wife write our first ever arrogant Christmas letter she discovered that it took too much effort. So we wrote an arrogant form Christmas letter that anyone can adapt for their own use. In the spirit of Christmas giving, I offer it to you.

Dear (a) Friends; (b) Relatives; (c) Business Associates; (d) People We Want To Make Jealous;

Well, another year has passed and that means it’s time to send out our arrogant annual Christmas letter to (a) wish everyone a merry Christmas; (b) make our friends feel inferior. The (a) cattle; (b) corn; (c) cotton; (d) futures market; was at an all time (a) high; (b) low; this year and so our entire family will be spending this holiday season (a) on an around-the-world cruise; (b) serving dinner to the poor and homeless; (c) eating Christmas dinner with the poor and homeless.

To maintain the appearance of our garish and opulent lifestyle this Christmas (a) my husband leased and gave to me a fully loaded Cadillac Escalade; (b) we got a second mortgage on the house despite a credit score in the low 200s; (c) I got another job in town (my third.). For vacation we spent (a) two weeks in Tuscany; (b) one week at the county fair drinking beer and watching hog races; (c) a week picking up trash along the county roads as part of a guilty plea agreement in which my worthless husband was given two weeks of community service.

Our entire family this year was humbled and honored (a) as Citizens of the Year; (b) to appear on the Judge Judy Show; (c) to finally emerge from bankruptcy protection. And as a concerned family of environmentalists this year (a) we installed solar panels, new insulation and wind machines; (b) we test drove a Prius; (c) my husband vowed to either walk or ride a horse everywhere he goes as a result of his third DUI. In addition to his strong commitment to the farming and ranching community he (a) serves as chairman of the local United Way; (b) organized the local Tea Party; (c) hosts weekly poker games; (d) organizes the betting pool for local high school football games. I continue to serve (a) as dessert chairman for the Daughters of the American Revolution; (b) weekends in the local slammer.

Our oldest son Steve this year was active once again in (a) FFA; (b) Weight Watchers; (c) Juvenile Hall; and he finally (a) graduated from Harvard; (b) flunked out of alternative high school; (c) got his ankle bracelet removed. Our oldest daughter Hyacinth was (a) Homecoming Queen; (b) an alternate member of the drill team; (c) knocked up by the Homecoming King. Our youngest son Josh this year got (a) his Drivers License; (b) ringworm from his steer that didn’t make weight; (c) his first tattoo and tongue stud; (d) probation.

Finally we know you’re all dying to hear about our wonder dog, Potlicker. This year he (a) won a statewide sheepdog trial; (b) lost a paternity fight with a Shih tzu bitch; (c) got shot by the neighbor for killing his chickens.

That’s all for now. (a) Merry Christmas; (b) Happy Hanukkah; (c) Eat your hearts out.


Lee Pitts

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