Lee Pitts column: Halfway home
Statistics say that marriages where the husband goes on an annual trail drive are 20 times more apt to end in divorce. Okay, so I made that up. But I’m sure it’s true.
It has come to my attention that men who go straight home after spending a week “trail driving” with their buddies where they drink, cuss and tell dirty stories, are having a difficult time re-entering polite society. I know one trail driver who went straight from a week of such debauchery to a dinner party with the parents of his fiance. Suffice it to say that the wedding has been called off and the fiance’s parents have a restraining order against the poor schmuck.
I, myself, have never been on a trail drive. My friend Terrell invited me to go on one once but my wife, having heard what goes on at these things, wouldn’t let me go. Besides, as a writer I occasionally call upon my brain to function and I simply cannot risk the possibility of brain damage from spending an entire week trail driving while under the influence of my buddies.
Because many of my friends do go on these things I have decided to start a new charity which will purchase a home to be used as a halfway house where trail riders can go after their trail drive so that they might gradually reacclimatize themselves to normal living. Just like recently released pedophiles, I realize that people are not going to welcome such people into their neighborhoods, so I’ll buy a ranch way out in the country, with a ten-thousand acre buffer zone, on which I might also run a few cows.
I envision an active rehabilitation program where the cowboys will be retaught things they forgot how to do after spending a week with their fellow heathens. Lost skills such as shaving and bathing regularly, using indoor plumbing, changing their underwear and using a knife and fork will be taught by clean and sober ex-trail riders.
I am told that on many trail drives the participants tell dirty stories endlessly, sing bawdy songs and recite cowboy poetry that would make a sailor blush. Therefore, intense therapy sessions on language skills will be emphasized at Lee’s Halfway House and Cattle Company, so that the trail drivers will get all the vile words out of their vocabulary before sitting down to dinner with momma and the young ones.
Speaking of flushing things from their system, my halfway house will offer a sober living environment in which substance abusers will enter a detox program, gradually replacing half their expensive whiskey consumption with cheaper beer. Realizing that many of these men have been on a liquid diet for an entire week, we will reintroduce both solid food and manners back slowly so as to not shock their system.
As we attempt to reintegrate our clients back into captivity, my staff and I will also address such problem areas as going outside to make water, riding one’s horse into living and eating areas, harassing and roping wildlife, betting large sums on trivial occurrences, playing cards all night and fist fighting.
In order to promote recovery and restore them to the men they once were, I recommend that for every week spent on a trail drive that each patient spend from one to six months in Lee’s Halfway House and Cattle Company. Because they might regress to their previous behavior, there will be a probationary period in which they will not be allowed to communicate with any trail driving buddies until next year. Still we must warn you, recidivism rates are high in dealing with this type of illness.
Thousands of men need your help today, so please, give generously. We think the $10,000 weekly cost per person of our halfway house will be picked up by Obamacare but until that happens, I beg you – Save a Cowboy! Send your cash, old clothes or cows to Lee’s Halfway House and Cattle Company. After all, someday you too may have a husband, relative or friend who will be afflicted with this dreaded malady.
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