Lee Pitts: Dead giveaway | TSLN.com

Lee Pitts: Dead giveaway

There has been a marked increase in trust funds for pets after the “Queen of Mean,” Leona Helmsley, died and left a $12 million trust fund for her Maltese Poodle and Florida heiress Gail Posner left her $8.3 million Miami mansion, plus three million dollars in cash, in trust for her Chihuahua, Conchita. Proving once again that some people have way too much money, more and more people are including the long term care of their dogs, cats, snakes and even mules as part of their estate planning.

In Pets They Trust.

Lap dogs are living in the lap of luxury as some rich dead people have specified that their millions go towards organic dog food, regular teeth cleanings and squeaky toys. One college was evidently so hard up for cash that they created a program where owners could leave their pets with the college for their lifetime care for only $50,000 for dogs and $30,000 for cats. But knowing how frat boys like to terrorize cats and that the college is also a leading veterinary school where animal research is conducted, I think your dog or cat might be safer fending for itself.

After spoiled kids, angry wives and greedy mistresses challenged some of these pet trust funds in court they have now been declared legally enforceable in 43 states! Knowing that many ranchers would like to leave their ranches to their Border Collies, and also knowing that preparing such a trust can cost upwards of $2,500, I thought I’d write up a trust for you.

I, (sign your X here), being of semi-sound mind and body, do hereby request that someone please notify my other spouse and kids living in Baltimore of my passing. Ha, ha. Just kidding! I’m just checking to see if you’re still paying attention.

After having managed to save three million dollars and put together a four million dollar ranch through hard work, skill, courage, good business practices and a $100 million inheritance from my parents, I hereby leave in trust for my daughter who turned into a vegetarian PETA radical my hot shot, branding irons and squeeze chute. For my son who I promised to remember in my will and trust, I offer this: “Hi there loser. Get a job!

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I leave the ranch, all the money in my accounts and my herd of cattle to my faithful, hard working and devoted companion all these years, my dog Airbag. I leave all my debts and 60 years of memories to my wife. To insure that my wife doesn’t run over Airbag or put his head in the oven for 45 minutes after reading this trust, I leave this incentive: she can continue to live in the Big House during Airbag’s life but after he dies she must find other accommodations.

So that there is as little disruption as possible to Airbag’s life, I ask that my wife give him a joy ride in the pickup at least twice a day, that she freshens up his drinking water by flushing the toilet at regular intervals, brushes his teeth with her toothbrush like I used to do, and that she frequently scratches his belly in that place that makes his leg jerk uncontrollably. When she’s not cleaning Airbag’s house, I would hope that my wife would toss Airbag’s slobbery tennis ball for hours on end and that she continues to subscribe to the local newspaper because, as she knows, Airbag is not entirely housebroke. She should do all this willingly with a smile on her face to reduce the emotional distress felt by Airbag after my passing. As a reward for taking good care of Airbag my wife can use proceeds from my trust to go out to dinner once a month, just as long as she brings half her steak home to Airbag in a doggy bag.

When Airbag dies I ask that the ranch and all remaining assets be used for any offspring that may have been conceived at the time of Airbag’s passing. Editor’s Note: In Wyoming and Nebraska you cannot provide for a litter of pups or kittens that are born after the death of the rich person. (Seriously folks! I’m not kidding.) Further Editor’s Note: I am not an attorney (thank heaven) and unless you want your cat to go to your dog, which I’m sure your dog would enjoy immensely, perhaps you’d better run this by someone who has been the beneficiary of a trust fund just to make sure your wife and kids can’t break it and it’s “heir” tight.