Lee Pitts: Fall Fashions (Best of)
Darlings, welcome to the wonderful world of fall fashion. At today’s Cowboy Fashion Show we’ll get a sneak peak of what the best dressed cowboy and cowgirl will be wearing in 2013.
Now coming down the runway is Mort. Doesn’t he look simply smashing in his burlap shirt. I see it has a monogram, “FEED”. Wait a minute, those aren’t Mort’s initials! Mort is wearing pants made of virgin wool. Oh, I just love to talk dirty. The pants have extra room in the derriere because age is creeping up on Mort, or is that his underwear? Mort bought his precious pants in 1972 and they are so dirty they can stand in the corner by themselves. They look a little tight fitting now. Mort, the poor dear, made the mistake of crossing his legs last year and he was in critical condition for three weeks. When he went riding he got chapped hips. Dip for us Mort. Charming.
My darlings, isn’t Mort quite the fashion plate? Holding up the “Big Fellas” pants is a rope. You can buy the belt in Paris for $45, or at the hardware store for 25 cents a foot. In Mort’s case it cost two bucks.
Mort is wearing a baseball cap he mistakenly picked up off the hat rack in a restaurant because his was in the truck. Doesn’t it look adorable? Clothes certainly do make the man. Mort is wearing a pair of cowboy boots from Goodwill Industries and please take note of the interesting color contrast. I’ve never seen that enchanting shade of green on the bottom of Mort’s boots? Oh, Mort why didn’t you wipe your feet before you came in here? How disgusting!
Mort is wearing golf socks, they have 18 holes. Turn around Mort so we can see your cowboy jewelry. Doesn’t the Copenhagen can finish off this Fall ensemble wonderfully? Thank you Morty dear.
Mert is our next trendsetting model of cowboy fashion. Mert has quite the resume, having been selected “Miss Rummage Sale of 1980.” As a former Queen of Yard Sale Weekend, Mert is always in style. In fact, she is presently wearing an outfit so old it has been in fashion in five different decades. Her pants have that moth-eaten look that is so popular among women of the cow crowd. Mert’s pants are skin tight and may I say quite frankly, the end certainly doesn’t justify the jeans in this case. Note also the pockets. They are empty. Lovely Mert, merely lovely.
The hole in Mert’s blouse is for added service and comfort and allows freedom of action for today’s modern woman. Her clothes can be dry cleaned or washed on a flat rock. I’m a big fan of functional jewelry and around her neck Mert is wearing an insecticide eartag normally worn by cows to keep the flies away. A simply smashing idea Mert. Trendy, edgy and yet so practical.
Now down the runway, arm in arm, here comes Mort and Mert dressed for a holiday outing. Mort is wearing a sweat-stained cowboy hat for that rugged look and a chartreuse scarf that is merely for looks… oh no, don’t blow your nose Mort. Yuck.
Aren’t Mort’s threadbare overalls simply divine? They give Mort a certain air of sophistication while at the same time providing comfort, thrift and storage space.
Mert is wearing the latest in dresses and may I say, perhaps never in the history of fashion has so little material been raised so high to reveal so much that needs to be covered so badly.
As a special added treat my darlings, we now have Mort and Mert wearing the latest in bedroom fashion. Mort is modeling… NOTHING! Is that really you Mort? To be honest, I can’t tell if it’s Mert or Mort without their clothes on. Oh, it’s you Mert. I don’t care if that is what you wear to bed, please, please put something on. I really must say, and may I be quite frank with you, Merty dear, you certainly are a big letdown without your clothes on.
You know how some women lovingly refer to their husbands as darling, dear, honey bunch or creampuff? My wife uses none of those sappy or corny sentiments because she’s much too honest to engage in…