Lee Pitts: Free for all | TSLN.com

Lee Pitts: Free for all

We have an annual Halloween ritual in which my wife buys three bags of Halloween candy knowing full well that we NEVER, EVER, get trick or treaters. Then she says, “Oh, well I guess I’ll just have to eat it myself.” (As if she’s making a big sacrifice.)

The reason we don’t get trick or treaters is because we live on a very steep hill on the edge of a state park where all sorts of frightening things are found, like bears, mountain lions and Sierra Club members. We miss seeing all the cute little tikes in their costumes so this year we invited ourselves to some friend’s house for Halloween where they said we could answer the door and hand out candy.

Their candy, mind you, not my wife’s candy.

It’s been over 25 years since we had trick or treaters and we were unprepared for the costumes kids were wearing. The neighborhood was crawling with kids of all ages, all looking for a handout, but instead of traditional Disney characters, ghosts, and ballerinas there was a “current events” theme to their outfits this year.

Today’s children are a lot more politically aware than we ever were. We saw a really scary trio all dressed in three-piece suits who were supposed to be Reid, Pelosi and Boehner. They were dragging behind them an old cotton sack overflowing with sweets. They explained that they had asked their friend Bernanke to join them but he showed “no interest.” One trick or treater was dressed as Obama and when we met him at the door he said, “I want all of your candy and I will not negotiate.”

We also had a taxpayer who was down to his shorts and a lobbyist who ended up giving us candy. Several came as pro athletes, wearing prison stripes and their bodies padded with pillows so they’d look as if they were all pumped up on steroids.

A new twist we’d never seen before was that kids arrived at the door in groups. There was a young girl dressed as a PETA member, wearing only three lettuce leaves and she was accompanied by what we presume was a member of The Vegetarian Society because he was dressed as a cube of tofu. Together they wouldn’t have made a decent sandwich.

There was also a representative for all the suppressed and downtrodden folks who were too lazy this year to do their own trick or treating.

A lot of kids this year were dressed as endangered species. There were buzzards, wolves, slimy snails, skunks and fairy shrimp, and that was just the parents waiting for their kids at the curb. One child, who I think was either a three toed salamander or a leaping lesbian lizard, was all by herself. I asked her what she was wearing around her neck and she said, “It’s a tracking collar so my Mom can find me.”

I was really stumped by a young girl who was leaking water all over the front porch. “And what might you be?” I asked.

I’m a glacier,” she replied, “and I’m melting because of global warming.”

“But haven’t you heard that for the past 15 years there hasn’t been any global warming and the oceans aren’t going to flood the west coast, unless, of course, the bloated Mr. Gore decides to take a dip in the Pacific and displaces all the water.”

“In that case,” she said, “can I use your garden hose to fill back up?”

You know times are tough just by the age of the trick or treaters. “Is that you Fred?” I asked my Doctor. “You look terrible. What are you supposed to be?”

“I’m a forlorn doctor who just got his Ferrari repossessed due to ObamaCare.”

After we turned out the lights for the night we had our last trick or treater, a homeless man with a scraggly beard, wearing tattered clothes and accompanied by his two dogs. “We’re very sorry,” we explained as we gave his dogs some Milk Bones, “but we ran out of candy. But if you can find those three shady people pretending to be Congressmen, they have lots of free goodies falling out of the holes in their big sack.”

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Lee Pitts

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