Lee Pitts: From Leeuary to Pittstober | TSLN.com

Lee Pitts: From Leeuary to Pittstober

Whenever I get the much-appreciated free calendars at the start of every year there are a few months I’d like to tear out right then and there and be done with them. Sadly, I have to go through the process of living through these much-dreaded months.

“January” sounds promising enough but then the month actually begins and many folks start the year with a hangover. If that’s not a sign of what’s to come I don’t know what is! How good can a month be that starts out with a bunch of fu-fu flower parades on TV? I’ve always felt January needs a new name that more accurately reflects it’s personality, something like “Depress-u-ary.” Christmas is over, everyone is grouchy because they’re back at work, and my favorite football teams lose again. Every year I’m convinced that early Alzheimer’s has kicked in because I can never remember to write the correct year on my checks.

February isn’t much better. I’ve hated it ever since I was a kid because of Rejection Day, otherwise known as Valentine’s Day. I spend the entire month in confusion, not knowing how many days are in the month, or when we celebrate the dead President’s birthdays. I think we should change our calendar and make all months exactly four weeks long, and then create an all new month out of the days left over. This month would be work-free, tax free and free of all stupid holidays like National Sponge Cake Day. We’d call this new month Leeuary, Pittstober or Pittstember, in honor of its founder. And because there would be no more 29th, 30th of 31st of the month, there’s an added bonus: people born on those days would have no more birthdays! Adding Pittstober to the calendar would be a veritable Fountain of Youth for many.

March is one of my favorite months because Spring and daylight savings time start, no estimated taxes are due and March Madness basketball is on TV. Oh, and I almost forgot, (like I usually do) it also marks the anniversary of when I married my wonderful wife. But the good times don’t last because March is followed by April when we are reminded that we’re really just working for the IRS. The only holidays of note are Easter, when we don’t get any presents, and Earth Day, when environmentalists wring their hands, whine, and act holier than thou.

After April the rest of the year is filled with months that only get better and better, building towards the crescendo known as December. In May we finally get to start keeping some of the money we make instead of sending it all to the crooks in Washington, DC, the cold weather is finally behind us, the lambs and yearlings are sold, fishing season opens and there are no expensive holidays like Valentine’s Day, Christmas, wedding anniversary or birthdays that I have to remember. How much better can it get? Plenty, for summer is about to start.

I suppose it’s a carryover from my childhood when school let out for the summer in June, but just the mere mention of the month brings a smile to my face. In July we celebrate the second best holiday by getting to legally light incendiary devices. What more could you ask for in a holiday? And then in August there is our county fair when everyone overindulges in carnival food, over-the-hill country music singers, pig races and PRCA rodeo.

September is the month when kids go back to school so we are now safe to walk down the sidewalk without being run over by some juvenile delinquent on a skateboard. Autumn and bull sales begin and the stores decorate for Christmas. Then in October we get to eat bags of chocolate candy that were left over from Halloween. And in November we celebrate our nation’s heritage by pigging out on good food and watching the Dallas Cowboys play.

Finally December, my favorite month, rolls around when we celebrate two important birthdays, that of Jesus and followed 24 hours later by my own. Even though I always get combo Christmas/birthday presents you can’t wash the smile off my face all month because people are in a festive mood and the NFR is on television for ten whole days. The only thing that could possibly make December any better is if, instead of being followed by the 31-day depression known as January, it was instead succeeded by Leeuary of Pittstember.


Lee Pitts