Lee Pitts: Housebroke Horses
The latest ploy of the animal rightists is to get people to think of horses as pets, rather than livestock. The Animal Welfare Council wants teachers to incorporate into their lesson plans the question, “Is a horse more like a dog or a cow?”
The animal rightists shot themselves in the foot on this one, after all, when is the last time your Quarter Horse curled up in your lap or sat beside you in your pickup, like some teenager in love? Tell your horse to roll over and lay on his back so you can scratch him in his secret spot and see if his leg jerks uncontrollably like a dog’s does.
Throw a slobbery tennis ball for your horse to retrieve and see if he or she retrieves it like an overeager mutt, or just stands there like a common cow. And when’s the last time your horse obeyed your command to “shake” or “sit”?
Here is further proof that a horse is more like a cow than a dog:
• Many dogs are housebroken but when was the last time you saw a horse enter through a “horsey door” to sit at his owner’s feet while they watch Dancing With The Stars together? And you hardly ever see a horse or a cow drink out of the toilet, or dig a hole in the flower bed like dogs do.
• Has your vet ever had to remove a squeaky toy from your horse’s stomach?
• I’d guess the average weight of cows and horses to be around 1,100 pounds whereas the biggest dog in history was an old English Mastiff that weighed 343 pounds.
• You can go broke raising livestock like cows and horses. Unless you are betting on Greyhounds or have gone completely crazy buying chew toys and designer pet outfits, it’s a slower process to lose your life’s savings on your pet dog.
• Horses and cows are vegetarians; dogs are carnivores. Put a flake of hay in front of a cow or horse and it will disappear. Do the same to a dog and he’ll pee on it.
• Dogs have litters. If your cow or mare ever gave birth to eight offspring at one time you’d have your own reality show on The Discovery Channel
• Next time you are in a restaurant ask the server for a “Horsey Bag”.
• It’s a common sight these days in urbanized areas to see people chained to their dogs, carrying around a plastic bag of doggy doo. Be honest now, have you ever seen someone walking their horse or cow dragging behind them a triple-strength garbage bag full of horse or cow manure?
• At rodeos cowboys attempt to ride members of the equine and bovine species but you hardly ever see a cowboy or cowgirl getting bucked off a Border Collie. If cowboys even attempted to ride a Dalmatian or Corgi PETA would have a coronary. Put 200 pounds on the back of a Dachshund and it would high center on a pebble.
• Ranchers don’t usually dress their livestock in cute little hats and handmade sweaters. I’ve never seen a Quarter Horse sleeping in pajamas like some dogs do.
• Horses and cows swat flies with their tails. Dogs try to bite them to death.
• Many dogs are yappers and barkers whereas cows and horses are much more quiet and don’t talk back like dogs have been known to do.
• Even hint that you might be going somewhere and your dog will load itself in your truck faster than your wife does for a trip to Costco. When’s the last time you had a cow or a horse voluntarily jump in the truck for a trip to the auction market?
• Shoot a duck and your Lab will swim in a lake or climb a mountain to retrieve it. Shoot the same shotgun in front of your horse or cow and you’ll have to retrieve your livestock from the next county. And when is the last time your gelding retrieved your newspaper or your slippers for you.
So, go ahead and ask the question, is your horse more like a cow or a dog?
I rest my case.