Lee Pitts: Intaxicated
January 19, 2012
Our Congress has a very taxing problem: they are intaxicated on your money. They are addicted to taxes in every form, but mostly your W2 form. With out-of-control spending, and debt into the trillions, you just know they’re going to need to tax you even more. I wouldn’t be surprised to see a new “butt tax” on any coins found under your seat cushions. And you can forget about the billionaires bailing us out. All these billionaires who’ve come forward lately just begging for higher taxes… that’s all just public relations. If Warren Buffet really wanted to give more money to the Federal Treasury all he’d have to do is send a check. I’m quite sure they’d cash it.
When it comes to taxes you really have to hand it to the IRS. Yes you do. One ploy Congress uses as an excuse to tax us more are taxes that are designed to alter our behavior, such as taxes on booze and cigarettes. They want us to think they’re trying to help us when they’re really just stealing our hard-earned money. We can expect to see many more of these taxes in the future and now that ranchers have a little money I wouldn’t be surprised to see a “poll” tax on ranchers for every cow they own that has horns. To preserve the proper image of the cowboy that is so popular overseas expect our government to levy new taxes on ball caps and lace up boots.
The government of Denmark has levied a “fat tax” on food like butter, lard and cheese. Although it’s been as popular as tofu ice cream, you can expect our government to follow suit by taxing fast food and fried Twinkies. You’ll get rebates on rutabaga and tax deductions for eating fake bacon and vegetarian lasagna.
If we are going to tax people and try to alter their behavior at the same time I can think of a lot of taxes the feds should charge other people. (Not me.) For instance, to improve the quality of our environment I think there should be tattoo taxes and taxes for excessive metallic ornamentation, like tongue studs. To stop our teenagers from killing their classmates the IRS should charge a 100 percent tax on any video game that involves shooting people or blowing them up. Speaking of which, any church or religion that encourages its congregation to kill us infidels ought to lose their tax-exempt status, in the very least.
I propose replacing federal income tax with a basket of taxes designed to change people’s behavior, including a tax for loud and repulsive cell phone ring tones, leaf blowers, long Christmas letters, French perfume, Presidential debates during prime time TV, and ugly colored cars. There could be a legume tax to cut down on greenhouse gases. We should be taxing large SUVs in the fast lane going slow, cable companies for gouging, and an illegal alien tax. To collect this we could set up kiosks at the border. Hey they’re going to get in anyway, why not charge them admission?
We could have taxes on offensive tee shirts and anyone who keeps a bumper sticker on their car past the election should be taxed either for voting for a loser or the winner, who turned out to be a loser. There should be a “stupid tax” assessed against any global warming or “Save the Fairy Shrimp” bumper stickers, and a “smart tax” levied on anyone bragging on there bumper that their child is an honor student.
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Finally, we could tax long names. All these hyphenated and foreign sounding names are simply un-American. We could charge based on how many syllables in a child’s name, after all, why should babies be exempt from paying taxes?
On second thought, this was already tried once. Vaquero author Arnold Rojas wrote that in early mission days the priests taxed parishioners based on how long their baby’s name was. One family had a lofty-sounding name picked out for their newborn son that included five saints names, but when they were told how much it would cost, the father changed his mind and said, “His name shall be Juan.”