Lee Pitts: Titanic two
May 19, 2014
It must have been very embarrassing for the 74 scientists, who meant to go to Antarctica to validate global warming theories, when the Russian ship they were on got stuck in ice ten feet thick far from where it should NOT have been if the polar cap was melting. Even more humiliating, ice breakers couldn't get within ten miles of the frozen ship so the group had to be saved by helicopters and ships burning fossil fuels, you know, those terrible greenhouse gas emitting tools of the right-wing rich.
Couple that event with last month's polar vortex that sent thermometers plummeting to record lows and it hasn't been a very good time to be a global warming fanatic, or "warmist" as they are now called. Despite the fact the earth has been in a cooling off stage the last 15 years, the "warmists" still cling to their trumped up theories like a Titanic passenger clinging to a life preserver.
Much to the scientist's dismay, this aborted scientific expedition will be remembered for suggesting that maybe we aren't all gonna be cooked medium well; Hollywood isn't going to drop off into the ocean (darn it); and the leader of this embarrassing fiasco is not going to get good seats, or be a speaker at the next United Nations confab on global warming. I was especially interested in this story because the leader of the scientific team was Chris Turney, a professor of climate change at the University of New South Wales in Australia, of which I am an alumnus.
When I attended the Australian university I was immediately shocked at the differences between their educational system and ours. At college in the U.S., tests were based on one's knowledge of facts; there were right and wrong answers. In Australia in the 1970's a test might consist of one question asking for a defense of your opinion. If you wanted a good grade, and who didn't, you would mimic back the opinion of your professor. Perhaps this is best illustrated by showing how I'd spin this example of a typical Australian test question if Chris Turney was my professor: "Question: How would you defend the position that global warming was still occurring if you were a stuck like a tongue on the frozen, sinking hull of the Titanic."
My Answer: This was just an unfortunate circumstance that never would have happened if the brilliant scientist, Mr. Turney, would have also had on board some aerosol cans, Al Gore and a bunch of cows because they would have emitted so many greenhouse gases it would have melted all the ice in the southern hemisphere.
I'll admit there hasn't been any actual scientific evidence of global warming the last 15 years but according to my great teacher, Mr. Turney, there's a good explanation for that. Coincidentally, during that time frame the U.S. cattle herd was shrinking, therefore it can easily be deduced that fewer cows equals less methane gas being emitted, equals cooler temperatures. If anything, this just proves that the United Nations should immediately assume a leadership role in regulating the number of cows in America. The U.N. could limit U.S. cow numbers by levying a cow tax, the funds to be used in supporting the thousands of people like my wonderful teacher, Mr. Turney, who are currently making a very good living in the global warming industry.
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We've had many climate events lately that have all been caused by global warming, including hurricanes, tornadoes, polar vortexes, hot summers, cold winters, drouths, floods and blizzards. The recent experience of my truly gifted professor being frozen stiff like an intellectual popsicle, clearly shows that governments should take a far more aggressive role in combatting climate change by having their hand firmly on the earth's thermostat. We can't let the hopes and dreams of the warmists, like my brilliant teacher, Mr. Turney, be frozen in all that ice, because as we all know, the weather is far too important to be left up to Mother Nature.