Lee Pitts: You don’t say

Here are some things you never want to hear your veterinarian say:

“I wish my hands would quit shaking before I operate on your $1,000,000 stud.”

“It’s nothing that $500 in medicine won’t cure.”

“Of course this operation is necessary. I have three kids in college.”

“We got the results back on semen testing your famous stallion. Did I mention we’re running a monthly special on gelding.”

“Have you, or any members of your family, noticed any small vesicles in your mouth or on the bottom of your feet?”

“The vaccine salesman never told me it did THAT when they tested it on rats.”

“I suppose you’re aware I’ll have to report this to the USDA?”

“Do you have the tallow works phone number or should I get it for you?”

“I’ll come as soon as I can get away.”

“I know you’re just an intern but you’re going to have to start sometime. Why don’t you perform this delicate operation.”

“How much did you say you paid for this animal? Well, at least it will make a nice little tax write off.”

“Boy, I sure hope my luck changes. I’m not having a very good week.”

“We got the results back from all the tests we ran and I have good news and bad news. The good news is that we could find nothing wrong with your cow. The bad news is that the costs of the tests are more than five times what the old bitty is worth.”

“I’ve never seen an animal react like that before.”

“You do you have a backhoe on the premises, if I recall correctly from my last visit.”

“It’s a good thing this cow is papered and registered. That will make it easier for the government vets to track down all her relatives. You don’t have too much of her blood in your herd, I hope?”

“I’m afraid I’m going to have to put it down.” (Unless, of course, he’s just holding your border collie and his arms are tired.)

“I vividly remember seeing something like this back in vet school. If I recall correctly it was in autopsy class.”

“I think my arm is stuck.”

“Would you mind if we ran those last 500 cows through the chute again? I seem to have lost my wedding ring.”

“There seems to be some confusion as to the correct ear tag number of that bull you wanted me to castrate.”

“You should have called me sooner.”

“Let me put it this way: I sure hope you bought livestock mortality insurance.”

“You are aware that I also buy hides?”

“The Center for Disease Control in Atlanta called. It seems that one of your slaughter cows was recently selected to be pulled from the slaughter run at a processing plant in Peoria. I need to ask you a few questions. Have any of your cows been to Great Britain during the last 20 years? Have you imported any cows from Europe or taken a family vacation there? Are any of your other cows acting a bit crazy lately? Or more so than usual, I should say. Are you cooking your hamburgers to well done? When would be a good time to “depopulate” your herd?”

“So I made a little mistake. It happens to all of us sooner or later.”

“It looks like I may be running a little late.”

And the number one thing you never want to hear your vet say… “Open.”