Lee Pitts: Let’s Sue Someone. | TSLN.com

Lee Pitts: Let’s Sue Someone.

Hi ladies, it's me, the wife of the slob who usually writes this column. He's resting now, getting his beauty sleep and believe me, he needs all he can get. Unbeknownst to him, I'm taking over the column this week because what I have to say is much more important than any gibberish he'd have written.

Are you keeping up on all the reports of evil athletes, actors, politicians and businessmen who've been harassing and discriminating against women? Do you know who you haven't heard one peep from? The wives of farmers and ranchers that's who, and yet there is not a group in America who's been harassed or discriminated against more than us.

I consulted with an attorney who said we'd have a great discrimination case in court against our husbands but there's one small problem. In his words, "You can't get any blood out of a turnip." The attorney said we'd need to go after "deeper pockets" and suggested a class action lawsuit. To win we'd have to prove guilt in just one of the following areas:

• Hostile work environment- Have you ever been yelled at because some cows leaked through the gap in the fence you were supposed to be blocking? Has your husband ever used foul language in your presence when you accidentally slammed the squeeze chute door on his hand or accidentally vaccinated him against lepto-vibrio? Do you work in a clean environment or are you constantly being bombarded by cow poop? Has he left you in a seedy motel room without feed or water while he went to "an important committee meeting" in a saloon? Are you referred to as "hired help"or a "peon"? If so, you're rights have been violated.

• Missed meals and potty breaks – While on a bull buying trip in your car you informed your husband you needed to pull over at the next rest stop for a bio-break did he tell you to just "hold it"? That's criminal abuse! If you are not given an hour for lunch and at least two breaks lasting 15 minutes you need to be suing someone.

• Pregnancy discrimination- Did you get six months maternity leave prior to having your last child and were you also given six months after the baby's birth? Or, instead were you given one of those backward papoose thingies with your baby strapped to the front of your body and put back on a horse or tractor one week after popping out the kid? If so, you should be squalling louder than Meryl Streep about having been abused.

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• Working off the clock- I know what you're thinking, what clock? Since you don't punch a clock to begin with proving this could be difficult. Unpaid overtime compensation is also included under this heading and would include any work before 7:30 or after 4:30. Were you paid triple time last Christmas when you fed the cows in a blizzard? Also, you should be getting at least minimum wage for keeping the house and raising the kids while also performing your daily chores.

• Disability discrimination- Remember when your husband asked you to hold a post while he pounded it with a sledge hammer and he missed badly but you weren't given sufficient time to recover from your broken arm? That's disability discrimination. So was that time you were fixing fence and you had to ride in the Bobcat bucket with the wire and the posts and your hubby hit a rock and bounced you out of the bucket and then ran over the top of you but you weren't even given the rest of the day off.

• Wrongful termination- Most women I know would love to be fired by their husbands.

Comrade sisters, if you've been abused you may be eligible for what's left after the male attorneys take their $290 billion cut out of a $300 billion class action lawsuit. You're going to need the money because having done all this free work means you'll have no Social Security or an IRA to fall back on when, after 43 years of wedded bliss, your husband trades you in for a newer model.

I hear my hubby stumbling about so that's all for now. Let's keep this just between us ladies for now. And remember, WE SHALL OVERCOME! Someday. (Maybe).