The government car
July 6, 2009
Now that the U.S. Treasury is the largest shareholder in General Motors and the feds have given Chrysler a facelift, we can expect to see an all new lineup of cars.
When Henry Ford first started cranking out Model T’s you could buy one in any color you wanted, just as long as it was black. Reflecting their concern for the environment, Obama’s car companies will only be making green cars. They’ll be green on the outside and green on the inside. The seats won’t be made of leather because that might offend PETA members and Hollywood donors, and there will be no plastic components that were made from petrochemicals. Instead, the upholstery will all be done in hemp. The tires will also be made of hemp instead of nasty rubber. True, the tires will only last 500 miles but they’ll be politically correct miles! Warning: When the tires heat up you may experience light headedness from the mood altering smoke.
Coming soon to a showroom near you (unless your dealer was dumped) will be cars featuring auto-assist transmissions for people who can’t shift for themselves. The government will be making cars that are a reflection of how they do things, so the transmissions will only have one gear: they’ll only go in reverse.
Because the feds are concerned about the size of your carbon footprint the engine will automatically shut off whenever you have exceeded your ration of miles for the week. If your car stops at an inopportune time, like on a freeway, and causes a crash, airbags will automatically inflate on both sides, under and on top of you. If you survive the impact of the airbags and want to get going again you’ll be able to buy carbon credits at government gas stations, after they nationalize that industry too.
Some of the features included on the new models will include rack and pinion steering that will only allow you to turn left. The far left. As a theft deterrent your new car will come with remote keyless entry that requires your thumbprint to open the car door. But this feature will only be made available on convertibles and will only work when the top is down. Every car will come with cruise control and a governor that will not allow your car to go faster than the posted speed limit, even when trying to pass another car. As an incentive to buy these new government cars every purchaser will receive $100,000 in life insurance.
The new cars will all have rose colored tinted windows and a dashboard computer with a 46 inch plasma screen that will allow you to surf the Internet, text message, or watch a movie while driving and talking on your handsfree phone. It will also feature turn by turn navigation, which you are going to need with the car only being able to turn left all the time. The federal antilock brakes will be grabby, the climate control system designed by politicians will only recirculate hot air and the defogger won’t do anything. The trunk will pack a huge payload big enough for any car company CEO to take home his $20 billion bailout. But the government car makers will forget to include handy options like cupholders, a glove box and mirrors.
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Every car will come with an audio system that will interrupt your favorite CD or Rush Limbaugh whenever President Obama is giving a speech. The hybrid cars will be powered by ethanol and wind power, with a sail that you’ll be able to raise and lower above your car whenever winds reach gale force. All of these new features won’t come cheap. The base model will cost $100,000 but you’ll be able to finance the purchase for 30 years with a variable, interest-only loan from Freddie Mac of Fannie Mae. Another feature of the all new government car will be automatic parking assistance that will easily allow you to park at the welfare office or the poor house.
The government car will come with a complete warranty, guaranteeing the automobile to be the worst one you’ve ever bought.