Baxer Black: Vegetarian’s Guide to Cowboys

Baxter Black
On the Edge of Common Sense

Many myths have been promulgated that have fostered a misunderstanding of cowboys by herbivores. It is incumbent on me to shed some light on this subject for my vegetarian readers.

MYTH #1) Cowboys are mean to cows:

This myth may be reinforced by the cowboy’s habit of roping cows for sport, branding their young and primping them like poodles at livestock shows. But in their defense, these practices are done without malice. Just sort of the usual predator/prey relationship. Like parents with children enrolled in organized sports.

MYTH #2) Cowboys are right wing political fanatics:

Cowboys are suspicious of politicians and, like most Americans, don’t vote either. They hold to a muddled Code of the West that forbids associating with known feminists but allows kissing your horse. Very confusing.

MYTH #3) Cows hate cowboys:

Cows have an IQ somewhere between a cedar post and a sandhill crane. It is unlikely that they lie awake nights plotting revenge. However, fate has made the cow and cowboy dependent on each other. The same unnatural relationship that exists between politicians and newspaper reporters or lawyers and criminals.

MYTH #4) Cowboys are a vanishing breed:

As long as 97 percent of the population eats meat, there will be cows and as long as there’s cows, there will be cowboys. However, they are hard to see from the freeway.

MYTH #5) Cowboys eat beef everyday:

Or buffalo wings, pigs feet or cheek meat off an old ewe. They’ll even eat hay if you put enough whiskey on it. Actually they’ll eat most anything the cook serves up though I’ve never seen’em eat a snail darter or a spotted owl!

MYTH #6) Cowboys are not like the romantic image portrayed in Marlboro commercials and John Wayne movies:

Of course they are! ’Specially if you catch ’em between gettin’ bucked off before breakfast and losin’ their lunch on the way home from the dance!