Baxter Black: Pellets vs piles |

Baxter Black: Pellets vs piles

Henry David Thoreau wrote a whole book about a pond and never got wet. He simply took the time to ponder. I, too, find myself pondering life’s mystery; like what is the purpose of a dewclaw? To measure the dew?

Why do horses have canine teeth? Were they once carnivores? How do sheep tell each other apart? Why do ants think they can drag a kibble of dog food back to the hill? Do they lack depth perception?

But last night I lay awake pondering why cows make pies instead of pellets. If they did, make pellets I mean, would they be like an elk which is larger than a deer; or just sheep size? Or, what if they were as big as road apples and elongated like a rat? It would be dangerous to walk behind them! I imagine the diligent hard-working cow veterinarian in the process of preg-testing, routinely lifting the cow’s tail, sighting in and getting bonked in the head by a fecal projectile!

The paramedics would haul him to the emergency room. The admitting-room nurse would write down CBC (Cow Biscuit Concussion) and ask about his insurance. Under the category of Trauma, his policy would cover horn goring, hoof stomping, poll butting, tail slashing, cow kicking, bummer gumming and cud spitting, but no CBC.

Had bison evacuated two-foot-long logs, think how much easier it would have been for the Indians and the settlers crossing the prairie. “Send young William out to gather an arm-load of dried buffalo sticks for the cooking fire, we’ll have a wagon train of fun!”

The shape of herbivore poop has had a significant influence on the development of certain human populations. Since deer, antelope and elk poop was pelletized it forced the Native Americans to invent the rake, the sieve and the game of marbles (eventually leading to casino ownership), instead of the wheel. Therefore they had no Iron Age, Industrial Age or Technological Age, they had the Pellet Age.

I wonder if, by selective breeding and genetically inserting sheep DNA in cow chromosomes, could we manipulate cows colons to form pellets? If we can conquer this technology we could move on to dog and cat pellets, hamster BB’s, skunk shot, badger ball bearings … but, I would stop before messing around with bird cloacal manipulation … it could be dangerous. We would have to carry armored um-shields instead of um-brellas and duck hunters would have to wear safety helmets!

I’m getting confused … where is Henry David when I need him?