Baxter Black: Classified Ads (Interpreted)
May 3, 2018
COWBOY (at least own a hat), REMOTE CAMP (applicant must be able to work a parachute), SELF STARTER (rooster furnished). NO PROBLEM DRINKERS (wait! On the other hand, you might fit right in). MUST SHOE (if you can't shoe we'll furnish you with a burro). GOOD WAGE (hundred a month but where you're goin' there's no place to spend it anyway), INSURANCE (I'm kidding, of course) AND GROCERIES (all the other help likes navy beans).
SEND RESUME TO WANG SNAFFLE, 2 BIT RANCH, WIKIEUP, AZ.
RANGE CUBES (called this because our cubes range in size from 4×4 sheets of plywood to dust) NOW AVAILABLE (we bought a train load of this stuff in 2005 and still have half of it left) ALL NATURAL INGREDIENTS (25% wood shavings, 25% Johnson grass clippings, 24% salt mine tailings and 1% dried catfish waste).
BAGGED OR BULK, WE DELIVER (from a Copenhagen lid full to enough to dam the Arkansas River).
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CONTACT DOWN & OUT MILLING CO., WAMEGO, KS.
RANCH TO SELL:
SCENIC (unbroken vista. Only three trees on the place and they grow at forty-five degree angle), 7,500 ACRES (2% deeded), FOUR MILES OF BOTTOM LAND (we cut hay off the bar ditch where the interstate crosses the ranch), GOOD WINTER PROTECTION (we've been scattering old car bodies around the ranch since 1982), WATER (every fifty years the Tongue River Floods), EXCELLENT TERMS (one fourth down and a member of your family as collateral).
CALL TODAY! BLUE SKY REALTY, MILES CITY, MT.
RANCH JOB WANTED:
MALE (been shaving since I was 12), EXPERIENCED (been team roping and living off the folks the last six years), MARRIED (occasionally), HAIR (thinning), EYES (two), HORSE BREAKER (if they're gentle and you have a supply of drugs available – for horse, of course), MECHANICALLY INCLINED (can open a pop top on a Coors light or screw cap bottle of Vino Mio in record time), PRACTICAL VET (nearly saved a possum that had been run over on I-70).
LOOKING FOR A JOB WITH A FUTURE (or at least until spring when I can start roping again).
WRITE: COWBOY BOB, GIANT APARTMENT COMPLEX, DENVER, CO
FOR SALE, MILK COW:
GENTLE (bit the last chore boy's finger off, but did it gently), BANG TESTED (we've actually hunted wild turkey off her and she never flinches), CHIANINA LONGHORN CROSS, BLACK BALDY, HOLSTEIN CROSS (you could milk her standin' up, hang the bucket on her horns, she never gets pink eye and the two tits that work give a quart a day), ON HER THIRD CALF (she's fourteen years old heiferette), REGISTERED (plans to vote next year), WILL SELL CHEAP (bring a long rope and string of horses when you come to pick'er up.)
CALL: CHUY FLICK, COW TRADER, PUMPVILLE, TX