Lee Pitts: A Country of Cats
The primary problem with our country today is that the dog is no longer the preferred pet. Finicky felines are. The cat is the politically correct creature of apartment dwelling baby boomers and millenials. Pet parents are even forgoing having children in favor of felines. Admittedly, there are several benefits to a cat over a kid: no stretch marks, college costs, need for babysitters or dirty diapers, in most cases. And if you grow tired of your cat you could just accidentally drop it off on the edge of town, whereas a child might eventually find his way home. (Animal rightist alert: I was just kidding about dropping off your cat. It was supposed to make you do something I know you’ve never done before: smile.)
Like muddy paw prints all over your car, evidence of the kitty cult is everywhere. Garfield long ago scratched Snoopy’s eyes out and our country’s long and proud history of presidential pooches is now threatened. Nixon’s dog scored higher in the polls than he did and the Bush’s dog wrote a best seller. The only thing that barks in the next White House will be the President.
Even our dogs are being named after cats, like CATahoula, for instance. Llassa Apso and Shih Tzu may have fooled some people into thinking they are dogs but I know they are really just cats parading as dogs. Put them in a room with a Siamese and watch them run. The problem is that we as a nation are adopting the characteristics of cats instead of man’s best friend, the loyal dog. Like cats, we are becoming cocky, strong willed, jealous, quarrelsome and lazy.
Cats are the reason we see more crime in places like Chicago because there aren’t enough watch dogs. If there is a crime being committed cats are probably in on it. And cats are ruthless killers. They are responsible for half the starling deaths in this country. And in England, where the bobbies don’t carry guns, cats kill an estimated 70 million small animals every year. Cats are bred to be bad, just look in their family tree and you’ll find cheetahs, mountain lions, tigers, ocelots and leopards lurking.
As a country we are out of shape because not enough people are walking the dog any more. Just try putting a leash on your cat and taking it for a walk downtown and see all the strange looks you get. Milquetoast males and their cats can no longer be trusted in our society to bring home the bacon. Cats are sneaky too, they cover up everything. And smart. The average dog is about as smart as a three to four year old child whereas the average cat is as smart as a 78 year old Congressman. And almost as promiscuous.
I ask you, what has a cat ever done for society? Name one famous cat in history. They don’t pull sleds, herd sheep, sniff bombs or point out birds. What is their function in life? They are like a laid-off middle manager of a big corporation. A big waste of hair if you ask me, or fur. Whatever it is that’s all over the couch.
In my highly valued opinion, cats just aren’t good for anything. Throw a tennis ball and a dog will retrieve it until the end of time. Throw a ball for a cat and he’ll sit and stare as if to say, “Look dude, it’s like this, you threw it, you go get it.”
Like the rest of our society cats are always “THE VICTIM.” If they spill the milk they’ll shrug as if to say, “Don’t look at me. I wasn’t the idiot that put too much milk in the bowl.” And like a mistreated wife, a scorned cat remembers forever. Get your dog fixed and he’ll have forgotten all about it by the time you get it home. Get your cat fixed and when it wakes up you’ll have scratch marks all over your arms and face.
The cat’s only redeeming feature is they keep the mice population under control without chemicals. But that too will change. Just watch. I have a sneaky suspicion that behind that catty smile is a militant vegetarian animal rightist with a battery of lawyers ready to pounce.