Lee Pitts: Back to the caves

I know I’m getting old but when a tiny tot recently asked me if I’d ever seen a real live dinosaur it caused me to rethink my antiquity. Although I’ve never seen a live brontosaurus I have interacted with CAVE people, and you have too, that’s CAVE as in Citizen’s Against Virtually Everything. These are the folks who want to tear down the dams, reduce their carbon footprint, and give the land back to wolves and bears.

If we’re going to do this let’s do it right. Let’s get rid of GMO food, bread and butter, soda pop and pizza and farmers and ranchers. From now on get your own food. If the locavores want locally produced food let them grow it themselves. You can’t get any more local than that! If the vegetarians don’t want to eat beef and the health-fanatics don’t want to eat anything that isn’t “natural,” let them try to live on the nuts and berries they collect when they go into the forest where evil lurks around every tree. They’ll soon discover that tofu is not a naturally occurring substance in the wild. For people who hate fast food let them see how long it takes them to gather up breakfast lunch and dinner. If PETA members don’t like farrowing crates let them try to kill a wild boar with a crudely made slingshot someone will have to make for them. I guarantee they’ll be eating horses, their pet dogs, endangered species and anything else they can get their hands on.

I have a feeling the CAVEmen and CAVEwomen, excuse me, CAVEpersons, won’t be nearly as worried about political correctness when they have other things to worry about, like finding dinner with a pack of wolves circling. The animal rightists won’t be as concerned about rat’s rights and will have an entirely different outlook, as will all CAVEpersons who are freezing to death in their loin cloths without Big Oil to complain about. If they want to reduce their carbon footprints, let’s go all the way: no more cars, heating and air conditioning, dams or electricity. That means no more Google, Facebook or irritating their fellow CAVEpersons talking on their cell phones in restaurants. There won’t be any restaurants. And that means Starbucks too! You won’t need your daily adrenaline rush anyway when you have lions and bears to outrun.

We’ll satisfy the anti-NRA crowd by eliminating guns. You’ll have to throw rocks for your supper and your life expectancy will be about 20 minutes. You want to turn the entire west into one big wilderness? Why stop there, let’s make the whole country one big National Monument without roads or fire trucks. And remember, NO harvesting of trees. That’s what you want, isn’t it. Let’s go back to nature where your choice of mate won’t be determined by personality or money, but by how much potential body heat they’ll produce when you’re entire family is all rolled up into one big ball trying to keep warm. Entire families will stay together in the cave forever simply for the heat.

Women will be freed from daily chores like dusting and vacuuming the cave, polishing the silver or taking the kids to school. What school? There won’t be any dishes to wash and you can clean the family loin cloths in the river. Watch out for rattlesnakes though. There won’t be any symptoms of civilization such as spas, Monday Night Football, Twitter, colonoscopies, Prozac, Louis Vuitton bags, $200 jogging shoes, cable TV, chocolate, 200 thread count sheets, Disneyland, or Wal Mart. Socialists will be happy because BIG Business will be a thing of the past, in fact, there won’t be any business to overregulate and tax to death to pay for social programs. There won’t be any Medicaid, Social Security or ObamaCare. If you get a toothache, so what? Mountain lion rip your arm off? Suck it up. This is what you wanted wasn’t it?

Just think, it will be one big happy camp-out. Won’t that be fun? Actually I think I’ll fit right in as I already work with primitive tools on hide, my writing looks like hieroglyphics, and I like to eat with my hands. Hey, I can take it if you can.