Lee Pitts: Bring back the blobs
Eighteen states have sued the feds over some new twists to the Endangered Species Act. A species no longer has to be few in number to be listed, only its habitat has to be “endangered.” There might be trillions of some long-eared bat but if its habitat is “threatened” as deemed by the feds, the bat could be considered endangered. And it gets worse. According to the lawsuit, “The final rules allow the services to declare areas occupied critical habitat that are not occupied by the species and could not support the species were it moved there.” In other words, a species can be listed as threatened or endangered in areas where there aren’t any, and never were. They can also be considered endangered in places where they could not possibly survive. Under the new rules the Atlantic Ocean could be considered endangered habitat for tigers, even though tigers can’t hold their breath underwater all that long.
Sadly, I’m not making this up. The rules are based on the supposition that some day the land, or water, might change and a species could theoretically live there. Think polar bears in the Amazon Rainforest.
When I first heard about this my head exploded but after much thought I see it presents a great opportunity to right a wrong. Currently there is a great imbalance in the number of endangered species each state must harbor. Hawaii has less than .2% of America’s land mass but 25% of endangered species. Four hundred live in Hawaii while Maine only has 12. California has over 300 endangered species while New Hampshire has nine. The Northeastern quadrant of this country, which has the highest concentration of liberal greenies, has the lowest number of endangered species. New York has 22, Rhode island has 8, Connecticut and Delaware both are home to ten, and Vermont has only five.
I’m sure easterners want to do their part in saving species instead of just passing crazy laws, so here’s my plan. Idaho has done more than their fair share in bringing back the wolf which is currently making endangered species out of Aberdeen Angus and Elk. I propose trapping those killer wolves and turning them loose in Chicago, a city that experienced a 72% increase in murders last year. The killings would stop, at least of humans anyway, because the gang members would be hiding in their houses, shaking in their shorts. It doesn’t matter that wolves might not be able to survive there or haven’t in the past.
Instead of giving federal aid to places like Philadelphia let’s give them endangered species. After all, Pennsylvania only has 16 such species. We could start by giving them some star nosed moles, dugongs, blob fish and black faced honeycreepers. Whatever they are.
President Trump got elected to drain the swamp in Washington which has only three endangered species, and one of those is the honest politician. A very rare species indeed! Instead of draining the swamp we ought to flood it and bring back the large tooth sawfish, which looks like a shark with a chainsaw for a nose. That ought to clear out the riff raff in Congress. If we turned loose millions of Aye Ayes in DC, which is a long-haired rat that looks like it just got electrocuted, and threw in a couple loads of Babirusa, which is a scary thing with four horns growing out its nose, that would put an end to anyone marching on Washington anytime soon.
Just because Miami currently doesn’t have any mountain lions patrolling her mean streets doesn’t mean some might not live there in the future. I say we give them a couple boatloads. If we turned some wolves and tigers loose in Hollywood, Ashley Judd and Madonna would become spokespersons for the NRA. Since Portland likes “weed” so much I suggest we give them 100 endangered ones. Because San Francisco wants to be a sanctuary city so badly I say we ship them millions of Pink Fairy Armadillos and Dumbo octopus to protect.
I’d like to be an endangered fly on the wall in the oval office when Trump hears about this last proposal. Turn a few dozen cheetahs loose on Mexico’s side of Trump’s wall and the illegals will be running back to Central America in world record breaking time.