Lee Pitts: Don’t Eat The Bait
The Cigarette Act of 1965 required labels on packages to warn consumers about the dangers of smoking. Although, if people who inhaled smoke all that smoke didn’t realize it was unhealthy I doubt they were smart enough to read the labels to begin with. That being said, I think we need similar labels on fake meat to warn folks about the dangers of eating it. Here are some warnings I’d like to see on packages of lab meat, rat stem cell burgers and eco wieners.
WARNING! The Surgeon General warns these bunsen burner burgers are not for internal or external use and may cause mouth ulcers and broken teeth. In fact, eating the packaging material would be far better for you than gagging down this fake meat.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT! The contents may contain extract of steer juice as a flavor enhancer, otherwise this fake meat would taste just as bad as it smells.
ATTENTION TEENAGERS: Eating this fake meat has been found to destroy brain cells in juvenile delinquents. It is addictive and causes euphoric ecstasy and nauseogenic hallucinations.
CAUTION: These counterfeit wieners cause cancer in lab rats. In fact, after the government mandated that rat and mouse bait manufacturers get rid of all the good stuff in their products this is the only commodity left on the market strong enough to kill mice, rats and other rodents.
CHOKING HAZARD! If you insist on eating this chemical concoction prior to consumption make sure there is someone present who knows the Heimlich maneuver.
DANGER! This fake meat contains squished rutabaga brains. Enjoy your meal!
CDC NOTIFICATION! Store in tightly closed container to eliminate cross contamination. If eaten, take container with you to hospital when you get food poisoning so the Center for Disease Control will know what bacterial strain or poison they are dealing with.
SEX DETERRENT! Not intended for prophylactic purposes, although if you eat this fake meat regularly it will make you uglier than a mud fence and therefore act as a birth control device.
ALERT! Contents of this package may be used as wallpaper remover, swimming pool acid, rust removal or paint thinner. It will disfigure furniture and should be used by trained personnel only.
PRAYERS NEEDED!! If ingested call 911, get down on knees and pray they arrive in time.
BEWARE!! This lab meat contains 100 percent dioxysodiummetatriethyledistillae of mice livers. Aside from being one heck of a Scrabble word that’s about the only thing it’s good for, other than being a good stink bait for catfish, of course.
RED FLAG ADVISORY! This fake meat will stain and burn holes in your clothes. Can you imagine what it’s doing to your innards? Highly flammable! Don’t barbecue or hold over an open flame. Has been used to set backfires and hot-shoe horses. Not intended for use for a weed killer in California or Massachusetts but will kill Russian thistle like nobody’s business. Not recommended for rehabbing vegetarians.
COAST GUARD NOTICE! Contents are not to be used as a flotation device.
ATTENTION: Side effects may include dropsy, chronic fatigue, blindness, bad breath, high blood pressure, kidney stones, hectic fever, constipation, booming flatulence, diarrhea, cerebral softening and ulcerated credit card balances. For good health NEVER spend your salary on celery.
IMPORTANT! Not intended for use as ear plugs or knee pads although may be highly effective in warning off muggers even better than pepper spray. Do not allow contents to come in contact with skin. In a lab setting it has caused brain defects in newborn spider monkeys.
SERVING SUGGESTIONS: Wear safety goggles at all times. Read all directions on container and DO NOT operate heavy machinery if you’ve never operated it before. Not dishwasher safe. Not safe around pets. Product will be hot after heating. After eating go outside for some fresh air. Your fellow diners will appreciate it.
You know how some women lovingly refer to their husbands as darling, dear, honey bunch or creampuff? My wife uses none of those sappy or corny sentiments because she’s much too honest to engage in…