Lee Pitts: Fake News
• Did you hear the American Angus Association has just bought out all the other breed associations in a multi-billion dollar all-cash deal? Henceforth ALL the other beef breeds will NOT be referred to as Hereford, Simmental, Beefmaster, Brangus, Charolais, etc., but will instead be called “other breeds.” Henceforth if you want to raise beef cattle they must be at least 50 percent Angus and if you use anything other than an Angus bull you must have a VBD (Veterinary Breed Directive) from your buried-in-bookwork veterinarian.
• Johns Hopkins announced that after the completion of a multi-generational study they have discovered that a vegetarian diet will stunt both your physical and mental growth. Not eating meat, especially beef, could cause acne, diarrhea, rash, hives, peeling skin, wheezing, tightness in the chest or throat, unusual horse-ness, swelling of the mouth, face, lips, tongue, or throat, chest pain, fast heartbeat, dizziness, passing out, very bad headache, coughing up blood, upset stomach or throwing up, weakness on one side of the body, trouble speaking or thinking, change in balance, drooping on one side of the face, blurred eyesight, ringing in ears, loss of memory and reduced IQ. The researchers also found that vegetarians don’t live one day longer than someone who ate ten pounds of beef per day… it just felt like it. In fact, the researchers found that many vegetarians died from depression and sheer boredom.
• As you may know, the Bautista brothers who own JBS and are now in jail for bribing Brazilian politicians and other crimes. That didn’t stop them from signing a billion dollar deal with Brazilian prison officials to use Braizlian prisoners in their packing plants as slave labor. From their plush prison home on the grounds of the Club Med Prison in Sao Palo, the Bautistas said they have also obtained a multi-billion dollar loan from the Brazilian government to implement their new scheme. The Bautistas hope to implement a similar plan in the United States and Australia and a certain Senator from Kansas has called their plan “brilliant” and is now sheperding the JBS plan through Congress. It’s been put on a fast track and we could see full implementation by next year.
• The People for the Ethical Treatments of Animals (PETA) has announced that it will no longer use nude Hollywood stars to promote their animal rights agenda after pressure from feminists who complained that the clothing-optional campaign was sexist and demeaning to women. At least that’s what PETA officials are saying. A deeply embedded Cowbelle from Arizona however found that PETA really stopped their campaign because they couldn’t find any more vegetarian women who looked all that appealing with their clothes off due to pasty and scaly skin, emaciated torsos, and sunken eyeballs. Washed up, 300 year-old actress Betty White volunteered to take her clothes off for the animals but PETA officials grimaced at the thought.
• The beef business is all a-Twitter about a female beef industry executive who was caught having an affair with a male sheep industry big shot. The husband of the female beef industry exec came home and caught them in the act. Later he told CNN that maybe he could have forgiven his wife for having an affair, but with a sheepherder? “Never.”
• The MegaBall lottery announced today that there was only one ticket that won the first-ever billion dollar lottery. The winners were Lee and Diane Pitts. The winners chose the immediate check option rather than a yearly payout and they will take home two hundred million from the billion dollar lotto after taxes. When asked what they plan to do with all that money Lee said that he wanted to buy a nice cow ranch where it doesn’t snow that would run 300 pair all year long without having to put up one bale of hay. He also plans on buying a new pickup, a decent cow dog, and a horse that won’t run away or back to the barn after it bucks him off. They plan on ranching until what’s left of the money runs out.