Lee Pitts: Forbidden foods
February 22, 2013
Did you hear that the Mayor of New York has proposed a ban on sodas larger than 16 ounces? For the health of his constituents he doesn't want them drinking any more 32 ounce sodas, but how dumb does he think the people are who elected him? Given enough time, even New Yorkers should be able to figure out that if they want 32 ounces of sugary soda all they have to do is buy two 16 ounce drinks. Duh!
In California they have banned fatty goose and duck liver, on the grounds the poultry were force fed. I wish they'd have thought of that 50 years ago so I wouldn't have had to eat the liver my mom force fed me. It tasted like garden snail, marinated in cod liver oil and held together with library paste, all nonfood items I tasted as a young child. I go on record as being wholly in support of a ban on all liver. Yuck!
Massachusetts banned junk food on school days and Indiana has mandated that half of all items sold in vending machines at schools be healthy foods. I know American school kids aren't doing well on tests but, again, just how dumb do they think they are? It won't be long before second grade sugar junkies are peddling M & M's out of their backpacks at highly inflated street prices (That's what I'd have done). If they insist on putting carrot sticks and broccoli in vending machines they shouldn't expect the kids to spend their folk's hard-earned money on them. Mark my words, there's gonna be a whole bunch of produce and carrot juice rotting in vending machines.
Rare burgers have been outlawed in California and North Carolina, so can a burger bun ban be far behind? The sale of raw milk has become a real hot issue and 20 states have outlawed unpasteurized milk because it can make people sick, but I think we've just become a nation of softies. I've never read of a single pioneer who died from drinking raw milk. I suppose it won't be long before states try to outlaw ice cream and milk shakes but if you think that ban will work you must be on medical marijuana. Speaking of which, the day is probably not too far off that if you want to consume dairy products you'll have to carry a "medical milk" card.
In the Wall Street Journal they mentioned that some states are banning high alcohol content beer and a liquor named Absinthe, which I, and most Americans I presume, have never heard of. Now that it's banned I'm sure everyone will be drinking it.
I suppose it might be different if they'd have outlawed foods I always hated, like the watery liquid that comes out of a ketchup bottle first and ruins your French fries. I also wouldn't mind a ban on creamed tuna on toast, cucumbers, red cabbage, carp, peas, asparagus, arugula, marzipan, lima beans, sheep innards, beets and eggs. Especially eggs. More specifically hard boiled ones. To this day just the smell of one makes me sick. (So guess what my wife loves to eat?)
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I was what my mother called a "picky eater" and since my older brother liked corned beef and cabbage I had to eat it too, but I've always thought that corned beef is a waste of a good cow. I was sure glad when he left home. My Grandma, bless her heart, always tried to feed me Fig Newtons which is the only cookie I've ever disliked.
Seriously, I have a real problem with these food bans. In America, the land of the free, you're telling me that the government is going to now tell us what food we can and cannot eat? Where does it end? Will people one day have to be 18 or older to order a fast food burger or a peanut butter and jelly sandwich? Here's an idea: instead, why don't they ban all the chemical spices in our food and leave our beef and milk alone?
They can ban all the liver they want but when the food police come after my beef, chili beans, root beer, wheat toast, Mexican food and potatoes in all forms, I will take up arms and fight them to the death. I think we can all agree to "ban" together if they come after our boysenberry cobbler with homemade ice cream.
As I'm sure Patrick Henry meant to say, "Give me spuds, or give me death."