Lee Pitts: Herd on the street
I hope you’ve heard the good news that several scientists have concluded that natural trans-fats in beef are NOT harmful to health and may, in fact, be beneficial. The researchers gave their report at the 10th Congress for the International Society for the Study of Fatty Acids and Lipids. (Boy, does that sound like a wild party!)
Dr. Spencer Proctor of the University of Alberta said, “The research indicates that consuming these natural fats as part of a balanced diet is not a health concern. On the contrary, there is increasing evidence these are “good fats” and could be fundamentally health-enhancing. They should not be an unintended target of the bid to rid the diet of trans-fats.” He continued, “There is no association between natural trans-fat intake and cholesterol dependent cardiovascular risk factors.”
All this means is that there is absolutely no good reason why a person shouldn’t eat beef! In light of this exciting news we went out amongst the herd of humanity on the mean streets of a large metropolis to get the reaction.
Vegetarian: You mean I’ve been choking down arugula, tofu and fried eggplant lasagna for five years when I could have been eating filet mignon?
Doctor: This news could be bad for MY health. I’m wearing these dark sunglasses, fake beard and fireman’s uniform so that none of my patients will recognize me. For years I’ve been telling them they had to give up red meat or else they’d suffer a fatal heart attack, and now you tell me that was all a bunch of poppycock? They’re gonna kill me if they ever find out!
Slacker at a Sports Bar: Darn, dude. Does this mean PETA is going to stop showing photos of anorexic hot babes in Hollywood with all their clothes off?
Over the Hill Hollywood Actress Turned Celebrity Chef/Best Selling Author: Even though I wrote in my last cookbook that beef was bad for you this news actually comes at a good time because that book was a bigger flop than my last movie. Now I can reinvent myself and come out with an all-beef cookbook telling how I rediscovered red meat and how good it is for you. Maybe I’ll even land a spot on Ellen’s TV show! Oh yummy, I smell a best seller.
Tofu: Does this mean we have to go back to being soybeans?
Liberal Greenie Activist: This is all a Republican conspiracy and a bunch of propaganda dug up by the religious right, the Daughters of the American Revolution, NASCAR-loving, gun toting NRA members and the military establishment who want to destroy mother earth with their Weber grills and mesquite briquets. Just because some scientists had a bunch of proof doesn’t mean it’s true, you know?
Poultry Pluckers: I suppose it’s great news for beef but they still don’t have drumsticks! Or giblets! Or McNuggets!
Contestant on The Biggest Loser: You know, I had a sneaky feeling all along that it wasn’t beef that made me weigh 420 pounds. Something in the back of my mind told me it could have been all those 64-ounce sodas, giant bags of candy, six pizzas a day and super-sized cheese fries with gobs of ranch dressing on top.
Discredited Anti-grazing Activist: Next you’ll tell me that cows fertilize the grass, improve soils, reduce fuel loads in forests and on grazing land, and help promote habitat for endangered species. All those researchers may have scientific proof to back up their claims but I know better. And I live in a big city, read the New York Times and Washington Post, visited a national park out west once, and am a member of the Sierra Club and The Nature Conservancy. Who are you going to believe?
Typical Man On The Street: What’s a trans-fat?
Rancher: Beef! It’s What’s for Dinner, Once Again!
We don’t have many mirrors in our home, for obvious reasons, but recently I saw a reflection of this stranger in the window of the hardware store. The grotesque figure had more hair growing out…