Lee Pitts: Hey, Stop That! — A six-step program for reducing wild horse numbers
The USDA is spending eleven million dollars over the next five years to find out why there are so many wild horses and how they can keep the population from doubling every four years like it is now. The USDA says they have 21 research projects started or in the planning stages to discover why there are so many wild ones. No doubt the manpower they’ve assigned to the problem doubles every four years too!
I can save the USDA all that time and money because I used to raise rabbits. Here is my six step plan to reduce the wild horse herd.
Step #1. Years ago I visited one of the USDA’s feedlots and I noticed that the stallions were still in pens with mares and their social interaction had clearly gone past the dating stage. It appeared that the USDA was a pimp in hooking up the studs for some daytime playtime.
So I offer my services to teach a sex education class to USDA employees about the birds and the bees. I would stress that these feedlots are not social clubs but are pits of sexual deviation and exploitation that all feminists should abhor. If the USDA can’t at least separate the sexes the least they could do is do what I did when I raised rabbits. I hid behind a barrel and when I saw a buck deflowering a young bunny I’d jump up and yell, “Hey, cut that out!
Step #2: Years ago cowboys would tie a dummy to a saddle and put it on a wild horse. (Not to be confused with a USDA dummy.) The horses in the herd, thinking it was a person, would run themselves to near exhaustion so the cowboys could catch them easier. We could do this on a grander scale and by the time the horses figured it out they’d be too tired to have sex and both the studs and the mares would have a headache.
Step #3: Bring back the horse processing plants because these are not endangered species we’re talking about. The DNA of the “wild” horses is identical to Trigger, Poco Bueno and American Pharoah. One reason the population is exploding is because people who have older horses have no way to get rid of them so they turn them loose on BLM and Forest Service land. America’s wild horses are really strays and discards and in that respect they are no different than wild pigs which people consider nuisances and shoot. No one seems to be trying to save them.
Step #4: Horse humanitarians and bleeding hearts will get on their high horses and condemn me but let me say that no one loves horses more than I do. I think they are the best animal on earth and that includes humans. That’s why I don’t like to see them dying a slow death from starvation. Since only one percent of the US population owns a horse I would send five wild horses to anyone who sends me a nasty letter.
Step #5: I would take one million destined for USDA research and give it to public lands ranchers to castrate wild studs. So much per pair, if you get my drift. Taking a page from Bruce Jenner, I mean Caitlyn, I would also have USDA vets perform sexual reassignment surgery on wild horses to totally confuse them. The only problem with this idea is the ACLU would probably intervene on the grounds that the “wild” horses have an inalienable right to have sex and be married.
Step #6: Take all the wild horses and designate a state for them. I’m thinking Florida which is already filled with toothless old geezers. I’d give every stallion a patch kit and a blow up plastic mare that looks like Black Beauty. But we’d have to make doubly sure the wild horses wouldn’t vote in the next Florida primary.
My six-step plan will work better than any of the 21 research projects the USDA funded and will also cut down on the $50,000 each wild horse is costing the American taxpayer. We can save at least ten million dollars over the next five years and, unlike USDA’s research answers, my plan will actually work.
All I’m asking for is 10 percent of the eleven million.