Lee Pitts: Higher Education | TSLN.com

Lee Pitts: Higher Education

My grandpa wanted me to be a lawyer, although he never offered to pay for my schooling. He told me that lawyering would be a more fertile field than agriculture, which made no sense to me. I told him I didn’t want to be a lawyer because I didn’t want to be cooped up inside all day writing. So what did I do? I became a writer and spent all day inside writing for far less money than I would have made as a lawyer.

I’m surprised Grandpa wanted me to go to school for so long considering he never made it past the eighth grade and didn’t have much use for higher degrees. I never thought much of them either and I only have one. Lee Pitts, BS. I think anyone who has ever read my column would find that appropriate. Don’t you?

Truth be told, I received most of my education from teachers with four legs and four stomachs. Here’s just a sampling of things I learned from my cows.

• Don’t bawl. It only lets your enemies know where you are.

• Try to be out in front of the herd. There’s less dust and you won’t see as many rear ends, to put it politely.

• If people start treating you real nice, bring you great food and clean water, provide medical care and everything you could possibly want, there’s a big catch somewhere.

• Never argue with anyone holding a hotshot.

• If some loud and obnoxious people try to herd you somewhere you don’t want to go, fight like crazy or make yourself invisible and sneak off the first chance you get. If you don’t people will assault you, you’ll get burned and people will stick their hands (and arms) into your business.

• Don’t pee on the hay. You may want to eat it later.

• Sacred cows always get gored in the end.

• Have high standards and be very choosey about who you associate with or you could end up with pink eyes, a lump on your jaw and a venereal disease.

• Don’t shoot the bull.

• Veterinarians, cops, cowboys and other people are all alike, 5 percent are exceedingly kind and good, 90 percent are just doing their job, and 5 percent are mean, dirty, rotten and nasty.

• Be nice to others but remember, when the chips are down, you’re on your own.

• Don’t join a stampede over some little thing. You’ll only end up tired going around in circles.

• It’s easier to drift in the direction the wind is blowing but you’ll end up far from home with no means of support and no support group.

• Protect your progeny as there are coyotes, wolves and sneaky snakes lurking everywhere.

• When you’re having a good year save a little back because you’ll need it some day soon.

• Life is short so stop and smell the alfalfa.

• The fastest way to get to where you want to go is to proceed slowly.

• If someone has you trapped and is putting the squeeze on you, take your medicine and get it over with as quickly as you can. Throwing a big fuss will only make the suffering last longer.

• It matters little who your relatives were, it’s how your offspring turn out that counts.

• Don’t put up with blowhards and wean them off as fast as you can.

• Drink lots of water and eat lots of fiber.

• The more apathetic individuals are, the easier it is to lead them around by the nose.

• Take good care of your teeth. When they are gone so too will you be.

• Keep your head down, don’t be picky, let the females do all the work and if you want to live a long time, make yourself useful.