Lee Pitts: How to load a horse
Here is the correct way to load a horse.
1. First, catch your horse. Using apples, carrots and sweet talk, draw it near. When it’s eating out of your hand, rub its neck and attempt to put the lead rope around its neck. After this doesn’t work, place a bucket full of sweetmix on the ground and when the horse comes within your range, rope it. When that fails, just have the wife catch your nag for you. It works every time.
2. Lead your horse to the loading area. When it spies the hated horse trailer it may rear on his hind legs and jerk the lead rope from your hand. If so, repeat step one.
3. Leaning on the lead rope with all your weight, play tug of war with your horse to drag it into the trailer. You weigh 185 pounds and it weighs 1,200 pounds. You do the math. Next, ask your wife and one of the kids to get behind the horse, lock hands around his rump and push while you pull on the lead rope. This puts the heads of your wife and kid in close proximity to the rear end of the horse, which has just consumed a bag of green apples and a bucket of sweetmix. This creates an unfriendly noxious environment and your loved ones may be overcome by the deadly fumes.
4. Next, ask your neighbor to grasp your horse’s tail and twist and pull on it to get your horse moving toward the trailer. Go to house to retrieve ice and cold compresses for your neighbor to apply to area where he got kicked.
5. Your neighbor suggests he put his in-heat mare in the trailer enticing your male horse to load right beside it. Lead your horse around in circles several times to get him dizzy and suddenly aim toward the trailer. As your stud horse overruns you to breed the mare in the trailer she tries the kick the stud and instead nails you in the groin. Borrow the neighbor’s ice pack and say to your neighbor, “Got any more bright ideas, Einstein?” Because you let go of the lead rope it’s now necessary to re-repeat step one.
6. Your wife suggests you put a rope through the hole in the front of the trailer and winch the horse into the trailer using the winch on the front of your fully restored 1955 International pickup. Realizing too late you should have used a chain, your horse pulls the front end off your beloved International and breaks your favorite rope in the process. You turn the air blue with a string of cuss words, which prompts the wife to demand, “Don’t speak that way in front of the children.”
7. Because all your ropes are now broken, use the garden hose and place it just under the horse’s rump. With your wife and kid pulling on the hose and you on the lead rope, pull with all your might. Take a short carpentry and plumbing break to stop the gusher that resulted because the garden hose was still attached to the faucet, which was in turn attached to the tack room.
8. Place a bandana over the horse’s eyes so it can’t see and must therefore depend on you for guidance. Once again you realize too late that horses are dangerous on both ends and your horse nearly bites off your finger. Splint it with a popsicle stick and duct tape, and be careful not to jam your throbbing finger the rest of the day or your kids will learn some more new words.
9. Put horse in a narrow alley and back the trailer into the horse so it’s forced to enter the trailer because there’s no place else to go. Have your wife block the narrow opening on the side. Make a mental note to replace the mirror on the side of the truck and buy flowers for your wife as she limps back to the house after being run over.
10. Call your neighbor and apologize that you can’t make his branding because your wife is ill and you have some emergency plumbing to do.
11. Put advertisement in paper for horse for sale, “As is where is.”
12. Buy an ATV. F