Lee Pitts: Man Marries Tree
June 1, 2016
I don't know if you've heard the latest high society news but a man in Mexico just married a tree. Yes, Peruvian activist and actor Richard Torres married Arbol del Tule, more affectionally known as Tule, in Oaxaca, Mexico. Which is where, I'm assuming, the newlyweds spent their honeymoon because, well you know, the bride can't go anywhere because she's a tree. She can't just pack her trunk and jet away to Rio now can she?
The marriage was a bit surprising due to the difference in age between the two. He's a middle aged male while Tule is a 1,000 year old tree! I was also surprised because a cypress would not have been my first choice for a wife because it looks more like a shrub, often requires boggy soils and, in this case, can be hard to hug as Tule is 140 feet in circumference. No offense, but I've seen NFL offensive lines skinnier than this gal!
It's reported that the groom wore a sky blue tie with white tails while the bride was absolutely glowing in her dew-tasseled gown of green foliage, spider web tiara with a train of moss and pine nuts. Speaking of nuts, there wasn't a dry eye in the forest as the guests all joined in singing "Here stays the tree, here stays the tree."
Dozens of notable environmentalists were present for the ceremony along with a crowd of bewildered locals who watched with mouths agape as Richard kissed the tree and promised her his undying love. The bride and groom wrote their own touching vows as Richard asked the President of Mexico to stop the destruction of forests and Tule, well let's just say Tule's vows were short, but no less meaningful. There was no prenup and rings were not exchanged because Tule already has a ring. A thousand of them, in fact.
I assume the couple will live in Tule's tree house but after the honeymoon Richard was off to Chiapas where he continued his "Marry a tree, save your oxygen" project. The wedding announcement was unclear if Richard will be marrying any more trees on his 'reforestation tour' but he'd better watch out if he does as Tule is said to posses a terrible temper.
Even though men have now married trees in Peru, Colombia and Argentina I'll go out on a limb here and say this fad will not catch on in the U.S. I don't know if it's because South American men are that desperate for wives or they are just into woodworking, but I do think it's a grand idea. Just think, with more loser guys marrying trees that leaves more hot, voluptuous babes for the rest of us. Guys, just think about going home after a hard day's work and relaxing in the aromatic limbs of your very own tangerine tree. By marrying a tree you'll never have to worry about your wife running off with your best friend. Trees make the perfect wives because they're good looking, won't bring up your sordid past, and will be there for you when you need a limb to cry on. If you do have martial problems they can be solved by either talking with an arborist (cheaper than a divorce lawyer) or revving up the chainsaw. Vroom, vroom.
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Trees make low maintenance wives and although you may have to pick up after them in the Fall, they don't shop for shoes at Nordstroms or get expensive tummy tucks, massages or boob jobs. A little pruning here and there is all they require and you can shape them any way you want. Tree wives won't yell or nag at you, they seldom complain and if you catch your slutty, well-branched oak tree wife making goo-goo eyes at the gardener you can burn her up in your fireplace. They don't even care if you 'leaf' once in awhile to go on a fishing or hunting trip. And the very best part of all about marrying a tree… NO INLAWS!
I see a way to make big bucks in the tree/bridal business. To help guys find their perfect tree, be it a voluptuous redwood or a pouty quaking aspen, I could start a tree mating service like eHarmony. Only mine would be called treeHarmony.