Lee Pitts: Man up
Men, it’s time we had a talk.
I hope you’re as ashamed as I am about the news that the sperm count of the average male in this country is down 30 percent compared to just three years ago. At this rate we’ll all be eunuchs in seven years. Here’s another statistic that should make you hang your head in shame. Your average American male now spends 51 minutes per day grooming himself. Gone are the days when a guy could be ready to go someplace in two minutes, now it’s the woman waiting on the man. And here’s the scariest report of all: Viewership of the NFL is down for the first time in forever. Probably because guys are too busy watching reruns of Project Runway or Ellen.
Pick up any ag related publication and you’re bound to see photos of FFA officer teams. In many of these you’ll not see a single male. I was President of the California Association of the FFA when women were first allowed in and it was an oddity to see a female in an FFA jacket. Now the roles are reversed and guys wearing the blue and gold are as rare as an alto saxophone in a bunkhouse. When I was studying Animal Science in college it was 90 percent guys, most of them longing for female companionship. In the photo of the last graduating class at my alma mater it looked like all women with a token guy or two.
I went into the hardware store the other day and in the plumbing department I was waited on by a female. Is nothing sacred? I’ve heard of men attending bridal showers and of far too many wives leaving their husbands for other women. I really can’t say as I blame them either when you consider the sad state of manhood these days.
Who amongst us doesn’t have a male relative who is drinking wine instead of beer, arguing about pilates versus yoga in his support group, eating salads with names I can’t pronounce like arugula and raddachio, taking their pet Shih Tzus to the dog park, getting their hair styled in a salon instead of being cut in a barbershop, wearing designer jeans, having a bigger closet built to house his shoe collection, and living in something called a pied a terre in San Francisco? So-called males are using hair gel and listening to Adelle. Whoever that is. Some “men” are living with Mom just waiting for a poetry professorship to open up at the local junior college. Husbands are letting the wife drive and I swear I heard one guy the other day amongst a totally male crowd apologizing profusely for a small belch that was caused by eating too much eggplant lasagna. At a brunch, no less!
In the process of being liberated, females have given men an inferiority complex. Guys, we are not inferior, just different from women. Or at least we’re supposed to be. We should be celebrating those differences, not using the same bathroom. Women have guys thinking that all the world’s problems begin and end with testosterone. It’s not yet a crime to enjoy looking at a beautiful woman but that day is not far off. Such behavior is not criminal, it’s just “nature” and is all part of something called “the mating process.” Males have been doing it since Adam picked up on Eve. Boys will be boys. Not girls.
There’s been a men-tal breakdown in this country and men have spent the last 20 years apologizing. Ovum deprived persons of maleness are the ones with the headache now. That’s how we’ve ended up with a bunch of wimpy males who wouldn’t know the first thing about gutting a trout and the only thing they like about hunting are the cute camo clothes.
So, please men, stop waxing your legs, turn off that video game, get off the couch, forget Facebook and man up. Pull up those jeans, ditch the peach colored pedal- pusher pants, get a real dog, unplug your Prius and buy a truck, for gosh sakes. Kill your own food, fire up the barbecue, turn on the ballgame, have a beer, scratch and spit. Leave your bed unmade, get out of the zen garden, no more pedicures, take the remote control back and quit crying. And for gosh sakes, NO MORE HUGGING.
You know how some women lovingly refer to their husbands as darling, dear, honey bunch or creampuff? My wife uses none of those sappy or corny sentiments because she’s much too honest to engage in…