Lee Pitts: Mice and men
Barbara Blabbers: I’m proud to be here today with an exclusive interview with the world’s oldest mouse, Mickey. Thanks for taking time out of your rat race of a schedule to join us Mickey. What’s new and exciting in your life?
Mickey: I’m into research now, Barbara. I felt it was time to give back, if you know what I mean. As you know, my fellow mice have a long history behind them of medical research.
Barbara: What kind of research Mickey?
Mickey: My grandfather Nicotine “Nickey” Mouse did nicotine research before he died of cancer. He was up to twelve cartons of cigarettes a day before he died.
Barbara: Wow! He must have been puffing like a choo-choo train. What did we learn from Nickey’s research?
Mickey: That smoking can cause cancer in mice. If people who smoke would just leave their cigarettes in metal boxes where mice cannot get to them it would go a long way to reducing lung cancer in rodents.
Barbara: Oh, let’s hope so. Mickey. Let’s hope so. By the way, how are the kids?
Mickey: Thanks for asking Barbara, but I’m afraid they’re not doing well. The oldest boy went off the deep end. He developed a drinking problem. The government doctors said he died of cancer caused by the cyclamates in the two truckloads of grape Nehi they forced him to drink daily. But I think it was just a bladder problem.
Barbara: I hope Uncle Donald Duck is fine.
Mickey: Donald is not doing well at all either Barbara. The darn quack doctors have got him believing everything he eats causes cancer. He’s turned into a hypochondriac.
Barbara: I have been reading about all these mice getting cancer and quite frankly, It scares me Mickey. What’s a human to do?
Mickey: Give up reading.
Barbara: Great advice Mickey. On another topic, I hear you have formed a new animal rights foundation.
Mickey: Yes, Barbara, we call it “Animal Rats.” It’s for my fellow cartoon characters like Tom and Jerry who are being raised in cages. The government uses them for medical research and is trapping them with cheese burgers. Who wouldn’t want to eat a burger? But then the researchers force feed them 300 pounds of burned meat daily. Now the TV networks are after them to appear on Biggest Loser spinoffs like Biggest Loser for Cats and Biggest Loser for Dogs.
Barbara: It sure smells like a rat to me. Can’t we help?
Mickey: Yes, and thanks for asking. If we could just raise ten cents on every cheeseburger sold in America we could buy a mouse sanctuary where all rodents would be welcome. We’re thinking New York City but might have to settle for Detroit. Property is very cheap there now and there is already a large rodent population.
Barbara: How noble of you Mickey. By the way, how’s Minnie?
Mickey: She’s not doing well either, Barbara. She’s tired all the time. I mentioned to you that I am now doing research. Well, Minnie and I are part of a government study to determine if too much sex causes cancer. We’re researching night and day.
Barbara: Oh, I’m quite sure that sex can’t cause cancer or Hugh Hefner would have died years ago. But if sex does cause cancer in mice and the government bans it, where will future generations of mice come from to do this important research?
Mickey: BINGO, Barbara. Speaking of rodents… we plead with you, please write your Congressperson today so that mice will be allowed to multiply, well, like mice.