Lee Pitts: The Cuddling Kind

Every once in awhile I’ll hear about an idea that makes me slap my forehead and say, “I wish I’d have thought of that.” Cow cuddling is one of those ideas.

According to writer Linnea Zielinski, people are paying big money to cuddle and play with cows. She says it’s all part of something called “animal centric holistic health.”

To which I say, “Huh?”

Linnea says that cow cuddling is for people who just can’t get into meditation and she insists that cuddling with a cow will slow down your heart rate. “They will pick up on what’s going inside and sense if you are happy, sad, feel lost, anxious or are excited and they will respond to that without judgement, ego or agenda.” She also says cows are sensitive and intuitive characters.

Frankly, Linnea must be hanging around a different species of cow than the ones I’ve raised. The ones I’ve owned made me anxious, excited, nervous and contributed to at least one stroke. And anyone who says cows have no agenda has never sorted cows in a sorting alley because they have an agenda all right and it’s to kill you!

Linnea also refers to folks in the midwest who have cows that will hang their heads over the fence to be petted. I can say without reservation that having owned hundreds of cows in my lifetime I’ve never had a single one do this. Horses yes, but cows no. And how does one go about “playing” with cows? What kind of games do cows play, baseball, basketball, poker? Monopoly maybe? I’ve yet to meet a single bovine who had a jump shot or could throw a curveball. Granted, with four feet cows could have some potential as soccer players.

Cow cuddling is nothing to laugh at. According to the Mountain Horse Farm, one of the leaders in the cow cuddling industry, two people can cuddle with one of their cows for only $75 an hour and four can cuddle with a cow for $125 an hour, although I think a cow might feel over-cudulled with that many people fawning over it. I did some figuring on the back of a napkin that may cause you to change your opinion about cow cuddling. If I owned 100 cuddling cows and if they cuddled for ten hours a day seven days a week I’d make $125,000 per day, based on the prices the Mountain Horse Farm is charging. If I was open for business 365 days a year I’d gross over 45 million dollars! I think you’ll agree, that’s a little more than we can make raising cattle for beef.

I was glad to hear these sessions are monitored by a licensed cow counselor because it’s something I think I’d be good at it. But I’m a little confused, would I be counseling the cows or those who cuddle them? I also wonder where one goes to become such a cuddling cow counselor, does Texas A & M offer such a degree? I have a feeling it’s kinda like the certificate I got off the internet to marry my sister. (No, I didn’t actually marry her, I conducted the ceremony.)

The Mountain Horse Farm is also into horse wellness and juice cleanings although they don’t offer goat yoga yet. What, you’ve never heard about this craze sweeping the nation either? If I could amass the aforementioned 45 million dollars I would then have the funds necessary to buy some nannies and start goat yoga. From the videos I saw on the Internet all you do in goat yoga is turn a bunch of juvenile goats loose in a room so they can crawl all the the women while they are engaged in yoga poses such as lotus pose, the wild-thing pose, peacock pose or the cow pose, which looks to me like the pose you’d make to give an adolescent a horsey ride.

Please be advised, you could meet some unsavory characters if you embark upon a cow cuddling or goat yoga career. I’m referring, of course, to lawyers. The first time one of your cuddling cows clocks a cuddler, or one of your kid goats goes tinkle on the back of some yoga devotee doing the wild-thing or downward facing dog, you just know there’s gonna be lawsuits involved at some point.