Lee Pitts: The FFA Way | TSLN.com

Lee Pitts: The FFA Way

I don't do meetings because once you've been to an FFA meeting everything else is amateur hour. Attend any meeting today and you'll see folks holding a discussion without a motion on the floor, no flag salute, and no knowledge whatsoever of Robert's Rules of Order. As an ex FFA member who proudly presided over opening and closing ceremonies with strict adherence to parliamentary procedure, it drives me nuts to watch C SPAN.

Here's how a typical government meeting might go if they did it the FFA way.

This party will come to order. We are now holding a meeting of government parasites. Madame Vice President, are all officials at their stations?

Mr. President, I shall call the role of crooks to find out if they are here and if they are sober. Madame Secretary of State. Where are you stationed.

Here by the shredding machine.

Why by the shredding machine?

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Because I want to be President some day and if the public ever saw this stuff I couldn't get elected dog catcher in Little Rock.

Supreme Court Justices, where are you stationed?

We're sorry, can you speak a little louder?

I said SUPREME COURT JUSTICES, WHERE ARE YOU STATIONED?

We are stationed in an assisted care living facility.

Why are you stationed there?

Because we're older than Methuselah. We are here to rewrite the Constitution, wear long flowing robes, take long naps and vacations, be waited on hand and foot and to live off a big fat pension while we write books that nobody reads.

Members of the House of Representatives, where are you stationed?

Here by the dollar sign.

Why are you so stationed?

The dollar sign is the time honored symbol of lobbyists and Political Action Committees. Without them we can't accomplish much. We burn all records of receipts and disbursements and take money under the table from multinational corporations just as Washington kept his farm accounts, very carefully. It is our duty to see that the lobbyist's checks don't bounce and everyone gets their share of the payola. We encourage graft amongst the members, give meaningless speeches, make promises we have no intention of keeping and live like billionaires. We conduct the nation's business with direction from our major contributors.

Members of the Senate, where are you stationed?

Here by the revolving door.

Why are you so stationed?

In case we lose in the next election, we can retire on a huge pension and get a job as a lobbyist with a green group, a defense contractor or as a lobbyist for a Chinese corporation. As highly paid lobbyists we can continue to go to strip clubs with our old Congressional friends.

Federal Reserve, where are you stationed?

Here by the wise old owl.

Why are you stationed there?

We are asked to advise from time to time as the need arises. It is our job to keep interest rates low so the stock market will soar and our mutual funds will provide for us in the style we have been accustomed. Madame Vice President, why do you keep a bag of golf clubs at your station?

Because you never know when the President might want to play a few rounds.

And Madame Vice President, what is your duty there?

I wish I knew? Mostly I preside over cabinet meetings in the absence of the President when he is on vacation and I go to funerals in foreign countries on Air Force One. If we would but follow the leadership of our King we will be led into bankruptcy and away from a Democratic Republic into the glorious sunset of a Monarchy or dictatorship.

John Q. Public, where are you stationed?

Here under the bus with tire tracks on our bodies.

And why are you so stationed?

Because that's where you and your fellow government officials threw us.