Lee Pitts: Vegetarian variations
August 13, 2012
As I understand it, a "flexitarian" is vegetarian who eats meat, which to my way of thinking, is kind of against the whole concept of being a vegetarian in the first place. My eighth grade English teacher called such a word an "oxymoron" and no, I'm not making a judgment as to their intelligence when I say a flexitarian is an oxymoron. It is simply a contradiction in terms. A "pescetarian," on the other hand, is a vegetarian who eats fish, which I've always thought of as meat.
The whole idea behind all this ridiculous name-calling is to be able to enjoy the great taste of meat and still be able to be politically correct and fashionable. I don't care what they call themselves just as long as they eat meat. So, I've come up with a few more names that backsliding vegetarians can call themselves.
Convictarians – Only eat meat when the warden decides they can eat meat, which is rare because it's hard cutting prison meat with spoons. (I'd submit that a wise warden doesn't hand out steak knives to a bunch of murderers, rapists and thieves.)
Burgertarians – College kids who have a big hankering and need for beef, but can only afford to eat fast food burgers and Hamburger Helper. Some develop highly sophisticated palates and become Wendytarians or McDonaldtarians.
Tacotarians – A subspecies of burgertarians, these impoverished students subsist on Taco Bell tacos.
Grassatarians – Only eat beef that was grass fed.
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CABatarians – These people only eat meat that came from black cattle, usually Certified Angus Beef. There are many variations including the Herefortarian, Pinzgaurtarian, Longhorntarian, Simmatarian, Brangutarian and NolanRyatarian. The latter are baseball fans who only eat meat branded with the great pitcher's name.
Rotisserarians – Only eat meat if it's cooked on a slowly rotating skewer. Not to be confused with Rotarians, who are great folks, one and all.
COSTCOtarians – Only eat meat that is purchased at Costco. They buy in bulk. You don't find too many single senior citizens who are COSTCOtarians because they simply don't have the freezer space for it.
Phasetarians – Every young girl goes through a phase where she swears off meat, usually after a class field trip to a slaughterhouse, dairy or rendering plant. It lasts about six months, or until they get interested in a male burgertarian.
Facebooktarian – So called because the founder of Facebook is only eating meat he kills himself, perhaps because he's broke after his stock took a big nosedive.
Gummertarian – Also known as the "denturetarian." These are older people and hockey players who no longer have their real teeth so they eat prechewed beef or filet mignon exclusively because it's the most tender. You may see hockey players buying less expensive steaks but they use them on their black eyes to lessen the swelling.
Bambitarians – Eat all meat except venison. Usually female, scientists say they are related to Black Beautytarians who would rather die than eat horsemeat.
Environmentarians – Only eat meat from animals that emit no greenhouse gases and walk the earth without leaving a carbon footprint. If environmentarians applied the same standards to everything they ate they'd starve to death inside of three weeks. Enviromentarians were formerly known as hypocritarians.
Resthometarian – Like the convictarian, they eat only what's put in front of them. (See also gummertarian).
Intetellitarians – Smart people who eat beef but not lesser meats such as slimy eels, guinea fowl, mutton, sushi, goat intestines, and two legged soybeans (chicken).
Veterinarian – Only eats meat from his or her mistakes.