Lee Pitts: Who Are You Wearing?
September 9, 2015
Have you seen those TV shows before the Oscars and Emmys where celebrities walk down a red carpet and two gay guys named Damian and Stefan from Entertainment Tonight stop the actors and actresses to discuss their wardrobe? If we had a similar show for farmers and ranchers it might go like this…
Damian: "My darling dairyman, who dressed you?"
Dairyman: "I did, who do you think?"
Damian: "No darling, whose collection are you wearing and what statement are you making?"
Dairyman: "That it's been weeks since my wife did the laundry and I grabbed the cleanest clothes I could find in the laundry basket. I guess it's a Carhartt collection."
Damian: "Didn't you get the memo darling? The invitation said formal wear."
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Dairyman: "Why, are we going to Wal Mart later?"
Damian: "Stefan, I hate to be catty…"
Stefan: "Oh, go ahead." Giggle, giggle.
Damien: "The dairyman's clothes looked like they were hung up on the floor and did you catch those knee-high rubber boots,? What a fashion low note."
Stefan: "I know. And the camo look is so over."
Damian: "Who do we have here? Are you a farmer we've all heard so much about? Who are you wearing?"
Farmer Gal: "That's a little personal isn't it."
Stefan: "I adore those pants, are they Ralph Lauren's?"
Farmer Gal: "No, they're mine. I got them at the hardware store and they are Dickies."
Stefan: "I beg your pardon."
Farmer Gal: "That's who made them. The hoodie too."
Stefan: "I love your courage and that you're not wearing any makeup, lip jewelry or tongue stud and then to top it off with a simple strand of pearls! Are they Cartier?"
Farmer Gal: "I bought them at a farm auction. What do you think?"
Stefan: "Is that handbag made of hemp and what is that round red bullseye on it? We all know the alligator and the polo player but I'm not familiar with that designer logo."
Farmer Gal: "It could be made from a feed sack for all I know. And my bag has a red bullseye on it because it came from Target where I buy most of our clothes."
Stefan: "Oh, pardon me. I'm not familiar with that designer."
Damian: "And look who we have here? Are you a real live rootin' tootin' cowboy?"
Pig farmer: "Not quite. I raise hogs."
Damian: "I can tell you're a man of few fashion surprises. I just adore the plunging neckline on your tee shirt and that you're bold enough to wear one purple sock and one green. That's how fads get started, you know?"
Pig Farmer: "Oh, sorry about that. My eyes are going bad, but the hogs don't seem to mind."
Damian: "What an interesting cologne you are wearing. Is it Chanel?"
Pig Farmer: "No, it's Duroc."
As Damian and Stefan quickly distance themselves from the pig farmer, a cowboy and his wife are next to walk down the now brown carpet.
Stefan: "I just love the Ro-day-o Drive look. It makes my heart go pitter-patter. My dear cowboy, who are you wearing?"
Cowboy: "My hat is a Stetson, the jeans are Wranglers, the Gist belt buckle I won at a USTRC roping, my belt came from Tractor Supply, my boots are Justins and my shirt is a Cinch."
Stefan: "It sure is. I love the whole ensemble including the ripped jeans and the shirt that is tucked in the front and pulled out in the back. What fashion statement are you making?"
Cowboy: "That I forgot to tuck my shirt in after I used the Porta Potty."
Stefan: "I love it when cowboys talk dirty. And how about the misses. Who would we find in your closet?"
Cowgirl: "Are you blind? I'm eight and a half months pregnant and these are maternity clothes I got from my sister in Dalhart."
Stefan: "For me, the relaxed fit jeans are a little too relaxed and I haven't seen such a fashion faux pa since the Nehru jacket and double knit polyester leisure suits. I hate to be the fashion police," says Stefan making the sound of a siren, "but really, eight months pregnant and a bare midriff? Oh, pull…lease!"