Lee Pitts: American Eulogy

A common theme that dominates the conversation of most people my age is that they are glad they’ll be decomposing six feet under the grass and won’t be around to live in the glorious future they created. My fellow senior citizens and I feel bad for the babies born today who, on average, already owe $13,425 in state debt and $78,089 in federal debt. I, on the other hand, wish I was going to be around to witness the carnage and to say, “I told you so.”

I don’t think most younger Americans fully grasp that they’re sleepwalking into the fan blades of a giant green wind machine. As for the 31 trillion dollars they’re already on the hook for, what do they care, just like their $200,000 in student debt, they have no intention of paying it back either. Who cares if the debt is 31 trillion or 130 trillion? If we need more money we’ll just print more.

In their world young people today think they’re all gonna work from home, or sitting at Starbucks, staring at their phone all day doing what they call “work” without a boss looking over their shoulder. Or they’ll make a lucrative living being an “influencer” on You Tube, Twitter or Facebook. The Indians will make a living dealing blackjack, the blacks by playing sports and the illegal Mexicans by doing our dishes and our yard work.

We’re all gonna live in online communities of strangers and when we’re hungry our food will be delivered by Door Dash and Uber drivers and for everything else we need we’ll get it from Amazon and pay for it with Bitcoin. We won’t worry about a steady paycheck because we’ll all be getting reparations checks for something or other, so we’ll just hang around and wait for our inheritance when our parents die so we can inherit their house. And we won’t even have to move from where we’re already living.

All the pollution will disappear because all our factories will be shuttered and one third of the traffic will be parked at Tesla charging stations. We’ll live in a world of renewable energy and zero emissions and when we need more batteries we’ll just buy them at COSTCO. We’ll just take the used-up batteries back or store them with our spent nuclear fuel rods we don’t know where to warehouse.

The letters “USA” won’t stand for the United States of America any more but “Unlimited Sprawl Area” because everyone will live in the office buildings made vacant when everyone started working from home. President Biden’s 30/30 dream will be realized when at least 30% of U.S. lands will be conserved by 2030 so busloads of Japanese tourists with cameras dangling from their necks will be running from packs of wolves, marauding bears and hungry mountain lions in our national parks. Our borders will remain open to insure we’ll have someone to raise our kids.

Getting rid of all fossil fuels because of climate change will bring families closer together as we burn furniture and three generations snuggle together to share body heat. It will be just like camping! (But don’t forget to be on the lookout for the aforementioned wolves, bears and lions.)

The future we’ve created will be a kinder, gentler and smarter world as everyone will be female and boys will be boys no longer. Instead they’ll grow their own boobs, have their plumbing rearranged and have their appendage removed. (Ouch!) As for making babies, well, maybe we didn’t do a very good job of explaining the birds and the bees to our kids. And perhaps we should have come clean about Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and the tooth fairy too. As for our birthrate dipping below “sustainable” levels, well, again that’s what the open borders are for and why our Congress looks like an LGBTQ+ parade.

If, and when, there is a World War III it will all be conducted by soldiers at keyboards with joysticks, drinking 5 Hour energy drinks, just like playing a violent video game. As for this great experiment we called America, we’ll finally come to the realization that the grand experiment just didn’t work and we’ve been the big bully on the block far too long. 

The only advice I have for our inheritors is to bone up on your Chinese, North Korean and Russian.