Lee Pitts: Hard of Earring | TSLN.com

Lee Pitts: Hard of Earring

Two recently retired road agent ring men who’d put too much mileage on their odometers were overheard at a bull sale.

“I’m going to sue every auctioneer on earth,” said one old-timer to the other. “By turning up their speakers W-A-A-A-Y too loud over the years and making me stand in close proximity to their huge speakers I swear they’ve made me lose my hearing.”

“What’s that you say, you’re going to get an earring? You’d be the last person on earth I’d expect to get one of those things. Is it gonna be one of those gaudy, diamond-encrusted thingamajigs or are you leaning towards a couple gold hoops in both ears? I suppose you’re gonna tell me you’re gonna cover your body with tattoos, so the next time I see ya’ you’ll have a tongue stud, a ring in your nose and have  your body covered in multi-colored epidermal ink.”

“Stink? Well it wasn’t me. My missus made me take a shower and put on a clean Depends® before she’d let me leave the house this morning.”

“Did you say you’re leasing out your house? I thought you liked it here and was under the impression that you and Margie were as happy as two fleas in a doghouse.”

“We’re not leasing out our house. The next move we make is to the funeral home. The only bad thing is we’re too far away from the kids so they don’t come by very often. It’s just as well, whenever they do come all they do is stare at their phones and listen to rap.” 

“Did you say wrap or crap?”

“Does it really matter? What’s the difference?”

“It sounds to me like your hearing is even worse than mine. I swear, you need to get the wax out of your ears or buy one of those high dollar hearing aids.”

“AIDS! The hell you say. And to think I thought you were a clean-livin’, devoted husband all the years we spent on the road together. You sure had me fooled. And to think I was figurin’ on splittin’ a room with you some day in a rest home?”

“I think they’re down there to the right but I could be wrong cause I’m kinda confused. There were three of them. One for each sex.”

“Nah, me either. After being married for as long as we have you kinda lose interest after awhile. You know what I mean? Besides, you know me, I’m, not one of those guys who brags about his conquests, having sex twice a day, four times a week. I suppose I could lie about it.” 

“Who died? I’m telling you right now if it was one of those dang auctioneers I’ll help dig the hole myself and I’ll even chip in for the gravestone as long as the epitaph isn’t too flowery. Speaking of dying, remember all those years we spent on the road together going from one sale to the next? Well, I’m sad to say I finally had to trade the old gal off for a newer model?”

“You’re gettin’ a divorce?” exclaimed the old ring man, pounding the side of his head like just like you do when you’re swimming and get water in your ears. “I tell ya, this old world is spinnin’ way too fast for me. AIDS, tattoos, three bathrooms and now you’re telling me you’re leaving the love of your life? What is it now, sixty years you’ve been married? Why, I never thought I’d live to see the day…”

“Yeah, I kinda surprised myself too, but it was getting time. I wanted a newer sportier model. She sure didn’t owe me anything and it was kinda hard saying goodbye to that old Chevrolet.”

“With all the problems you’re having I can’t help thinkin’ it could be related to your drinkin’, going to bed high as a kite every night. I’m not sayin’ it’ll work for everyone, but I think you might want to try AA.”

“I know hay is high right now. If we don’t get a rain soon I’m gonna go broke buying hay.”

I didn’t say “hay” you old goat, I said… ah just fuggidabout it.”