Lee Pitts: In The Here After
I have it on good authority that when you go to heaven it will be much like going to the grocery store. There will be two long lines at the pearly gates. One line will be for those who believe in reincarnation and the other express lane will be for those who don’t. If you get in the line of those who do believe in the “here after” you will be asked to fill out a questionnaire to determine how you would like to live your next life. I’ve recently been e-mailed a copy of that form and I’m happy to share it with you in case you want to study for the BIG TEST. Here it is.
“Welcome to heaven. Before proceeding we would like to know how you would prefer to spend your next life. Please look over the four options listed below and place an “x” beside the description of the life you would most like to lead. Thank you for shopping with us and we hope you enjoy your stay.
A) Check this box if you would like to live under beautiful azure skies with soft gentle breezes blowing through your hair. If you would you like to rise before sunrise on a quiet prairie surrounded by a bountiful bevy of beautiful bodies then you will surely want to come back as an (A). After you enjoy a hearty breakfast it’s nothing but sex, sex, and more sex until noon. After lunch you’ll nap until two and then make love again till five with the mate of your choice. After dinner it’s more of the same till midnight when you will fall into a peaceful sleep to get ready for the next day which will be just like the first. If such a life appeals to you please select choice (A).
(B) Would you like to be reborn in a new body? Would you like to eat anything and everything you want without anyone nagging at you or feeling guilty that you may be consuming too many calories, carbohydrates or cholesterol? Would you like to lead a life free of Richard Simmons, diets and Weight Watchers? If you would enjoy a life of constant snacking on junk food with the only interruption being time out for napping then we would encourage you to select choice (B).
(C) Are you tired of the rat race? Would you enjoy a life of doing anything you want and going wherever you want at any time? If you make your mark beside choice (C) you will not have to work a single day in your next life. Nor will you pay any taxes of any kind. There will be no jury duty, you will be guaranteed lifetime free medical care and you can let your beautiful locks grow. If you choose to give birth to more little (C)’s you do not have to keep them if they were not what you had in mind.
(D) If you haven’t suffered enough in your previous life selection (D) is the only choice for you. By selecting (D) you can spend your next lifetime worrying about the welfare of others and constantly punishing yourself. You will work full time and whatever you make will go to the IRS. If you do manage to save some extra money you must donate it to charitable causes. You will probably be forced to live with a spouse you can’t stand and bear children you don’t want. You will worry constantly about what you are eating and you can only have sex after you have checked the political correctness and blood of the the only slob available. If you select (D) you will spend a miserable life of writing letters to the editor.
Please make your selection now.
If you choose (A) you will come back as a bull. Go forth and multiply.
If you choose (B) you will come back as a hog. Enjoy.
If you choose (C) you will lead the lazy life of a sheep.
But if you chose (D) you will be reborn as an animal rightist and spend your next life worrying about the welfare of (A), (B), and (C). If it’s any consolation you were probably an animal rightist in your previous life too because nobody could get that stupid in just one lifetime.
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