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Lee Pitts: Not-Rights

If I was a lawyer, which thankfully I’m not, I’d file the largest discrimination case in history on behalf of the 10% of the population who are left handed. (Full disclosure… I’m not a lefty.) Is there a bigger class of victims today than the southpaws who have to conform to a right handed world? I think not. They don’t even have their own bathrooms, for gosh sakes!

I’d form an organization called the “Not-Rights” but the big question is who to sue. Usually lawyers go after the deepest pockets and that would be the U.S. government, but they’re already in debt 25 trillion and they also have an army of lawyers. Even if the Not-Rights won, they’d never get their money.

If we’re going to get a lot of money for the Not-Rights, and a big fee for me, I think the Not-Rights should go after multinational corporations, like the big three car companies. They’ve been making right-handed cars for over a hundred years. Whether the gear shift is on the column or on the floor it’s meant to be operated with the right hand, ditto the radio and air conditioning. Next time you righties go somewhere try reaching over with your left hand to put the car in gear and you’ll see what I mean.

Don’t get me started on desk manufacturers. Almost every classroom I sat in after the third grade had these desks that you entered from the left side so that the writing surface would be on the right hand side. So the Not-Rights were at a huge disadvantage when it came time to taking notes. It’s a wonder they didn’t all flunk out.

Then there’s rodeo. There have only been a handful of lefties qualify for the NFR in tie down roping over the years. I don’t know what the number of left handed bulldoggers is but it can’t be very high and left-handed team ropers might be an even bigger class of “victims” than Finnish Vegan Transvestites for PETA.

I could go on and on about discrimination against the Not-Rights. In the cattle showing they are at a total disadvantage because they’re forced to grasp the lead rope with their right hand.

My lawsuit could go global. In many Asian countries left-handed people are forced to become righties. When I studied international agriculture in Australia I had a brilliant classmate from Malaysia whose writing was unreadable. When asked why, he explained that he was of the royal family and if he wished to be a leader someday he had to teach himself to be right-handed.

In the early 1900s American doctors said that left-handed people were more prone to mental disorders. (They are more apt to be schizophrenic.) Some societies go so far to think that Not-Rights are the devil himself.

It was only last year that scientists were able to identify the genes that determine if a child will be left or right-handed. Other scientists have studied sonograms of babies in the womb and have found that babies in the second trimester will start favoring one thumb over the other. (To this day I still prefer my right thumb to suck on.) Interestingly, apes and chimps are usually left handed, as is Oprah Winfrey and as were Napoleon, the Boston Strangler, Jack the Ripper and Billy the Kid.

We’ve long known that Not-Rights are more right-brained, which means they’ll be better in the creative arts. This explains the plethora of left-handed cowboy poets, while right-handed people are more controlled by the left side of the brain which makes them more analytical.

I think you see the conundrum this raises for the Not-Rights. If the lefties were to hire an attorney for a class action victimhood case in which the lawyer will end up with all the money, they’d be well-advised to hire the more analytical right-handed lawyers, which only enriches right-handers. (Lefties shouldn’t sue Bill Gates either because he’s left-handed.and that would be like suing yourself.)

Finally, did you know that right-handed people live on average nine years longer than left-handed people do? It’s true. So my advice to lefties is, switch over while there’s still time.


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